Friday, January 29, 2016

Tweets O' The Week

Blurb from the LA Times on the back of my "Dressed to Kill" DVD case: "...elegant, sensual, erotic, bloody." 

This also describes me.


Few things in this life are superior to a good nap.


The worker at the Hardee's drive thru said, "Could you please mention when you're ordering that you have a coupon next time?" I said, "I did." She said, "Oh." That settled that fucking matter. And, btw, the evidence that I said it wuz that the goddamn discount had already been applied to my order! Get your shit together, Hillsboro Hardees. You don't wanna become the Hillsboro McDonalds, do ya?


The Meme Mangler: a facebook dialogue

Danny: One day you will wake up and realize there isn’t any more time left to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.

Tim: I told myself I would strangle a hooker some day, but I never seem to find the time.

Danny: Do it when you get elderly so you won't have to spend much time in the clinker.

Tim: Yeah, but then arthritis might make it harder to do the strangling. I'd hate to get halfway thru the process and then just let the ho go cuz I couldn't finish murdering her.

Jerry: I want to get married again someday.


Feel the Bern. Caress the Bern. Heavy pet the Bern. Blow the Bern for a single payer health care system and free college.


The dentist axed me three times this morning if anything new wuz going on. No, doc, just new tweets and status updates. I had nine strikes in a row Tuesday nite, but you prolly don't give a shit about that. The "X-Files" premiere...bought Crest instead of Sensodyne yesterday...putting a little extra pepper into my food lately...the usual boring shit.


I have a student in Composition II named Tristan Vessel. I'm assuming he took a break from being the hero in a series of epic fantasy novels to get his Associates degree.


My brother thought it wuz cool how the "X-Files" premiere suggested that most or all of the alien encounters in past episodes were merely staged events by the government to cover up their evil experiments. I said, "I dunno...that's a lot of episodes of guys dressing up in alien costumes just to fool Mulder and Scully."


Larry from the bowling team told a joke: what's the difference between a prostitute and a chip? A chip is Frito Lay. Get to lay. You know, I almost think you deserve to have that prostate surgery next week, Larry.


I added a little something to the last line of the X-Files premiere:

"We have a problem: they've reopened the X-Files. It's not a problem, though, that I'm smoking thru a hole in my neck."

--The Cigarette Smoking Man


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