Tweets O' The Week

Blurb from the LA Times on the back of my "Dressed to Kill" DVD case: "...elegant, sensual, erotic, bloody." 

This also describes me.

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Few things in this life are superior to a good nap.

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The worker at the Hardee's drive thru said, "Could you please mention when you're ordering that you have a coupon next time?" I said, "I did." She said, "Oh." That settled that fucking matter. And, btw, the evidence that I said it wuz that the goddamn discount had already been applied to my order! Get your shit together, Hillsboro Hardees. You don't wanna become the Hillsboro McDonalds, do ya?

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The Meme Mangler: a facebook dialogue

Danny: One day you will wake up and realize there isn’t any more time left to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.

Tim: I told myself I would strangle a hooker some day, but I never seem to find the time.

Danny: Do it when you get elderly so you won't have to spend much time in the clinker.

Tim: Yeah, but then arthritis might make it harder to do the strangling. I'd hate to get halfway thru the process and then just let the ho go cuz I couldn't finish murdering her.

Jerry: I want to get married again someday.

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Feel the Bern. Caress the Bern. Heavy pet the Bern. Blow the Bern for a single payer health care system and free college.

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The dentist axed me three times this morning if anything new wuz going on. No, doc, just new tweets and status updates. I had nine strikes in a row Tuesday nite, but you prolly don't give a shit about that. The "X-Files" premiere...bought Crest instead of Sensodyne yesterday...putting a little extra pepper into my food lately...the usual boring shit.

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I have a student in Composition II named Tristan Vessel. I'm assuming he took a break from being the hero in a series of epic fantasy novels to get his Associates degree.

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My brother thought it wuz cool how the "X-Files" premiere suggested that most or all of the alien encounters in past episodes were merely staged events by the government to cover up their evil experiments. I said, "I dunno...that's a lot of episodes of guys dressing up in alien costumes just to fool Mulder and Scully."

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Larry from the bowling team told a joke: what's the difference between a prostitute and a chip? A chip is Frito Lay. Get it...free to lay. You know, I almost think you deserve to have that prostate surgery next week, Larry.

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I added a little something to the last line of the X-Files premiere:

"We have a problem: they've reopened the X-Files. It's not a problem, though, that I'm smoking thru a hole in my neck."

--The Cigarette Smoking Man