Tuesday, October 03, 2017

The War at Home

Remember when we went to war
over weapons of mass destruction
that didn't exist and kept selling
real weapons of mass destruction

in the homeland? And remember
how we never stopped of slowed
down but only sped up no matter
how massive the destruction. 

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Wreck-It Man

Dickless Don
wants to get his nuke on
and smoke Kim Jong Un

cuz when all is said and done
being prez ain't so much fun
once everyone figures out the con.

But nothing distracts like a bomb.

Monday, January 02, 2017

My Top Ten Best Movies of 2016:
1. The Witch
2. The Magnificent 7
3. Captain Fantastic
4. Captain America: Civil War
5. Free State of Jones
6. La La Land
7. The Invitation
8. Deadpool
9. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
10. The Shallows

My Top Ten Worst Movies of 2016:
1. The Lobster
2. I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House
3. The Neon Demon
4. Satanic
5. Holidays
6. Ghostbusters
7. Sausage Party
8. All the Way
9. Dirty Grandpa
10. Nocturnal Animals

Gary's Top Ten Best Movies of 2016:
1. Captain America: Civil War
2. Deadpool
3. 13 Hours
4. The Shallows
5. The Magnificent Seven
6. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
7. Suicide Squad
8. Hacksaw Ridge
9. In the Deep
10. Don't Breathe

Gary's Top Ten Worst Movies of 2016:
1. Hardcore Henry
2. Nine Lives
3. Mechanic: Resurrection 
4. Free State of Jones
5. The Legend of Tarzan
6. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
7. The Boss
8. The 5th Wave
9. London Has Fallen
10. Now You See Me 2

Friday, January 29, 2016

Tweets O' The Week

Blurb from the LA Times on the back of my "Dressed to Kill" DVD case: "...elegant, sensual, erotic, bloody." 

This also describes me.


Few things in this life are superior to a good nap.


The worker at the Hardee's drive thru said, "Could you please mention when you're ordering that you have a coupon next time?" I said, "I did." She said, "Oh." That settled that fucking matter. And, btw, the evidence that I said it wuz that the goddamn discount had already been applied to my order! Get your shit together, Hillsboro Hardees. You don't wanna become the Hillsboro McDonalds, do ya?


The Meme Mangler: a facebook dialogue

Danny: One day you will wake up and realize there isn’t any more time left to do the things you’ve always wanted. Do it now.

Tim: I told myself I would strangle a hooker some day, but I never seem to find the time.

Danny: Do it when you get elderly so you won't have to spend much time in the clinker.

Tim: Yeah, but then arthritis might make it harder to do the strangling. I'd hate to get halfway thru the process and then just let the ho go cuz I couldn't finish murdering her.

Jerry: I want to get married again someday.


Feel the Bern. Caress the Bern. Heavy pet the Bern. Blow the Bern for a single payer health care system and free college.


The dentist axed me three times this morning if anything new wuz going on. No, doc, just new tweets and status updates. I had nine strikes in a row Tuesday nite, but you prolly don't give a shit about that. The "X-Files" premiere...bought Crest instead of Sensodyne yesterday...putting a little extra pepper into my food lately...the usual boring shit.


I have a student in Composition II named Tristan Vessel. I'm assuming he took a break from being the hero in a series of epic fantasy novels to get his Associates degree.


My brother thought it wuz cool how the "X-Files" premiere suggested that most or all of the alien encounters in past episodes were merely staged events by the government to cover up their evil experiments. I said, "I dunno...that's a lot of episodes of guys dressing up in alien costumes just to fool Mulder and Scully."


Larry from the bowling team told a joke: what's the difference between a prostitute and a chip? A chip is Frito Lay. Get to lay. You know, I almost think you deserve to have that prostate surgery next week, Larry.


I added a little something to the last line of the X-Files premiere:

"We have a problem: they've reopened the X-Files. It's not a problem, though, that I'm smoking thru a hole in my neck."

--The Cigarette Smoking Man

Monday, January 11, 2016

Worst and Best in 2015 Cinema, TXB and G$ Style

Gary’s Top Ten Worst Films of 2015

10. The Cobbler
9. American Ultra
8. Taken 3
7. Hot Pursuit
6. The Boy Next Door
5. Black Sea
4. Tomorrowland
3. Blackhat
2. Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials
1. Everly

Gary’s Top Ten Best Films of 2015

10. Jupiter Ascending
9. Jurassic World
8. San Andreas
7. The Visit
6. No Escape
5. Pitch Perfect 2
4. Avengers: Age of Ultron
3. Furious 7
2. Mad Max: Fury Road
1. Ex Machina

Tim's Top Ten Worst Films of 2015

10. Blackhat
9. Wild Card
8. Everly
7. Crimson Peak
6. Justice League: Throne of Atlantis
5. Veronika Decides to Die
4. Lost River
3. Unfriended
2. Let Us Prey
1. Fifty Shades of Grey

Tim's Top Ten Best Films of 2015

10. The Visit
9. The Overnight
8. The Revenant
7. Tomorrowland
6. Avengers: Age of Ultron
5. Spotlight
4. Room
3. The Hateful Eight
2. Mad Max: Fury Road
1. It Follows

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Hard Handshake

I receive a thank you from A or B students occasionally. It's rare to receive thanks from average or below average students. Today, though, this dude who didn't speak very often in class--but wuz present ever damn day--handed in his research paper and then reached out his hand to give me perhaps the hardest handshake I've ever experienced. He thanked me three or four times before he left and kept saying how he learned a lot. He also said he once thought he'd fail high school cuz he didn't think he could pass English. And it's not as though he aced my class. In fact, he never (so far) scored higher than a C on an essay. At midterm, he had a D. But some peeps come out of high school with a much longer way to go than others, and for them I suppose there's "a lot" to learn just to become C or D writers at the college level. So I celebrate the C and D students today--the ones who worked for those grades, anyway--and I also celebrate students who appreciate honest graders rather than some shithead who just gives them the okey doke and sends them away smiling with grades they didn't earn.

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

A One-Eye For An I

Okay, gather 'round this campfire made of ones and zeroes, chilluns, and Uncle Timmeh will tell you a strange tale about bowling league last nite at Sunset Lanes. Our team bowled a team that just joined the league last week. They're called Cable Dawg, whateverthefuck that means. They're so godawful at bowling that we were giving them 276 pins handicap--which wuz like having two extra regular bowlers (or three of theirs) joining the fray for Cable Dawg agin us. Didn't matter....we still won all three games. Next oddity: my opposite number on their team--the third man in the line-up--only had one eye. He didn't have a glass eye, and I couldn't see just an empty socket, so some scar tissue wuz left behind, maybe? Prolly not important to the story, but if you were thinking that a dude with one eye might be shy, then you don't know John. Since we're both bowler number three on our teams, we generally would have been up at the line at the same time. Except John MADE SURE we were always up at the same time. He refused to bowl until I got up there. And he wanted to have a conversation of some sort EVERY FUCKING TIME. So that's thirty conversations while I'm up bowling for the nite, which is thirty more than I usually have. Also, John did not talk so much as shout his end of the dialogue. Just stupid shit like HERE WE GO, TIM! or YOU GO FIRST TIM, AND I'LL SIT BACK AND WATCH! or DAMN, TIM, YOU GOTTA LET UP ON ME! I responded with my own Dr. Ben Carson-like soft spoken banter and fake laughs to humor the guy, but it wuz tedious after frame number two of game number one. See, John is not the sort of bloke who occasionally sez something funny or interesting like myself and Dr. Ben Carson. Anyway, after we were done, everyone on my team said that they wouldn't have been able to put up with the guy for three games. My dad, who wuz merely spectating last nite, said, "It wuz almost too hard for me to even watch it." But by the end of the second game, after I'd bowled another over-200 game, I said, "Who knows...maybe he's inspiring me in some weird way." Of course, that 143 I bowled the last game wuz totally the fault of that one-eyed motherfucker.