Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Sweet Destiny OR The Sugar Daddy Cometh!

One fateful night, John Candy, mild mannered porn star, fell into a magic vat of high fructose corn syrup. Was he drunk? Probably. What was he doing near a vat of high fructose corn syrup in the first place? That, friend, is a tale for another day.

Anyway, from that vat emerged a bold, supersweet, generally priapic ambisexual being known as Sugar Daddy. The magic high fructose corn syrup is now in his blood, and he secretes it thru touch--and bodily fluids, of course. It then goes to the part of the brain that makes people spend their money on worthless crap, and they end up giving cash to Sugar Daddy instead. He exists in an alternate world where Jolt Cola is still around (and contains cocaine), and if he drinks a can of that magic elixir he can temporarily beat the shit out of almost anyone (maybe not Lou Ferigno, his nemesis). And yes...while on the junk, he is pretty damn flexible and acrobatic.

Unfortunately, when the Jolt wears off, SD always gets a massive case of narcolepsy. One time he wuz fighting Lou Ferigno, and he leaped to deliver a roundhouse kick but fell asleep in midair. LF then proceeded to take a bunch of crazy naked pictures of Sugar Daddy and put them on the internet. Of course, SD's alter ego, John Candy, makes crazy naked pictures for a living, so his mild mannered nature allowed him to forget about the whole episode. He still wants to punch Lou Ferigno in the balls, though.

Is he a hero? Is he a villain? Are you young and hot and do you need someone to help you pay for college and give you a generous allowance in exchange for sexual favors? Call Sugar Daddy!



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