Wednesday, April 04, 2007


What WOULD Joel Osteen do...if he came across a couple going at it in the cab of some big rig at six in the morning (six in the morning)? Gerry hath axed a provocative question. But at first I misinterpreted. I thought ye said "J-Lo," as in "Jenny from the Block" in Jennifer Lopez. So, of course, I totally accepted and even fantasized about the notion that Ms. Lopez would do some gringo trucker for free crystal meth some early morning after her inevitable decline in the near future. As for J.O...there shall be no such decline for him, although after Ted Haggard you do have to suspect that every single evangelical preacher in the world must secretly be gay. Or perhaps you don't. But whether he be gay or no (and I'm sure he'd say no), my boy J.O. don't preach the hate, and although he might privately believe that homosexuality is a sin, I've never heard him mention it in a sermon. He stays positive. So, prolly, after the couple in the truck got done going at it, J.O. would give them a big, shit-eating (but lovable) smile, and invite him to his football stadium-sized church. Cuz if any evangelical, gelled-mullet preacher out there could ever grasp the concept of being loving towards folks even if you don't agree with their lifestyle would be the mighty Joel Osteen and whatever brand of teeth-whitening paste he currently uses.

However, if I implied that J.O. likes to cuss during his sermons, then I do repent me. He does end all his sermons with the phrase, "Do you receive it today? I know you do." But so far he has never added, "I know you do, motherfuckers!" He might want to try that on a day where half of the football stadium-sized church has fallen asleep. Of course, one does look forward to the day when the cursing preacher becomes a popular cultural icon, but for now most clergy keep their obscenities confined to their deeds and not their words. I hear, in fact, that Ted Haggard never crossed that particular line: when he had the male prostitute fuck him in the ass, or when he fucked the male prostitute in the ass, or when they sucked each other's dicks or whatever, Rev. Haggard always insisted upon using words like, "fanny," "fornicate," "oral pleasure," etc., and never words like, "fuck," "ass," blowjob," etc. Ultimately, it wuz that resistance to naughty words that provided Teddy with the moral fortitude to go to gay rehab and rededicate his life to the Lawd. Glory, Hallelujah!


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