Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Highlights of "Hostel, Part 2"

I guess I feel like a little less of a chump seeing lame "Hostel 2" rather than prolly lame "Ocean's 13" this past weekend...but not by much. In case you missed it, here are the wacky highlights:

- Dude from "Hostel" that survived the underground rich fuck torture ring gets decapitated (off screen) in the first ten minutes of the film and the kitty cat is shown licking the blood off his neck stump (who's ready for breakfast?).

- First chick (the ugly one) gets hung upside down, nekked, and is then gutted by this other nekked chick (who looks much better naked) with a scythe (yes, a scythe--look it up)...and her blood runs into a bathtub and the hot chick with the scythe takes a bath in her blood (as if hot chicks didn't have enough privileges already).

- One of the chicks (the really hot one) scheduled for torture bites the nose off some dude who's supposed to make her look pretty for her torture session. At least...I think it wuz a dude.

- Said chick later gets chainsawed to the head but doesn't quite die from it. She apparently dies off screen.

- Last chick standing (the medium hot one) gets over on her rich fuck torturer, cuts his dick off, and feeds his dick to sum dogs. The dogs forgo the usual ritual of burying scrap penises for later and just start chowing down.

- After that, LCS (who's hot AND rich) buys her way out of Torturetown and, in the end, uses the scythe to decapitate the bitch what lured her into the trap in the first place. Local mini-street hooligans play soccer with the head in the last few seconds of the film.

None of the above is in any way fabricated or exaggerated. If you could promise me that all the above activities would happen to the major players in "Ocean's 13," it might have been magic...


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