Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Happy National Unfriend Day, Y'all!

The Demon
The Prophet
Not so long ago, a demon entered the garden of the Internet. Before Z came along, the worldwide webs of computers were mostly only concerned with the purist of pursuits: gazing at naked people and naked people fucking. Yes, back in those blessed days, children, watching naked people fuck wuz actually considered more enticing than watching a godamn virtual turnip grow. But as the prophet Jimmy Kimmel and the holy word of The Social Network has shewn us, the demon Z only had one friend in college--a friend he would eventually dick over. Thus Z sought to dilute the meaning of the term "friend" so that he could gain a bunch of fake friends and divert attention from the fact that he wuz a douche. To normalize this new, debased idea of friendship, Z let loose a serpent in the garden: Facebook. Therefore, Kimmel has taught us that we should observe the holy rite of National Unfriend Day (NUD) and cut the fat from our friendships. To do this, we perform the ritual researching of just who the hell these people are on our friend lists on National Unfriend Day Eve (NUDE), selecting potential candidates for unfriendship. We also use the time on NUDE to reflect on who are true friends are and what a douche Mark Zuckerberg is. Then, on the dawning of our glorious NUD, November 17th, we rescind the right hand of Facebook fellowship to all the peeps we hardly knew or never even met, reminding ourselves that we don't actually give a shit what the guy we took high school Biology with is having for lunch.


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