Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Best and Worst Movies of 2010

For my money (at $9.50 a flick), 2010 was kind've a blah year for movies. You had a lot of so-so flicks, but few that really jammed. Then you had the bizarre phenomenon of the same movie being made four fucking times. Red, The Losers, The Expendables, and The A-Team all have a gang of special forces dudes or spies--and they're usually betrayed by their own government, and it's usually the CIA, and there's always guns and 'splosions and witty banter along the way. I found all these movies at least mildly entertaining for what they were trying to accomplish, but can't we achieve more, ye action movie gods? You don't necessarily have to do an Inception-style mindfuck--and twisting the plot into pretzel shapes as Salt does only makes things slightly more, uh, salty. Maybe some naked boobies would help. Perhaps you could have people say "fuck" now and then. Maybe the bad guy shoots heroin into his dick...I don't know...just stop with the watered down bullshit PG-13 action flick unless you can really put some magic into it, as the makers of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World did. But now I've getting into my best list, so let's move on. As always, I am joined in my listing adventures by my bro, Gary, AKA "G-Money." All the commentary, tho', is mine, except for that line from The Filthy Critic...

TXB's Best Films of 2010

10. Get Low - Bob Duvall and Bill Murray kick ass; then kill it, bury it, and hold a funeral for it.
9. The Book of Eli - It's, like, what if Daredevil wuz black and carried a Bible around?
8. The Town - My Benjamin directs and acts in a flick set in Boston? It's Townie Christmas!
7. True Grit - I can do nothing for you, son...except recommend this straight-shootin' western.
6. Black Swan - It's a two hour nervous breakdown with a lesbian love scene. What's not to like?
5. The Social Network - In which we learn how the apostle Mark wrote the Book of Face.
4. Kick-Ass - Kicks Iron Man 2's ass, as well as the asses of nearly all other 2010 action flicks...
3. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World - ...but not Scott Pilgrim's ass. It's manga-nificent!
2. Inception - A dream within a dream within a dream within a dreamboat named Leo.
1. Winter's Bone - Hillbilly noir, bleak landscape, meth country...and, yes, a banjo. Priceless.

TXB's Worst Films of 2010

10. A Nightmare on Elm Street - I had a nightmare that I wuz watching this piece of shit.
9. The Killer Inside Me - There's a killer inside me cuz I wanted to kill myself during this film.
8. Restrepo - Call this one Afghanistan Home Movies to better capture the aimlessness.
7. Jonah Hex - All other comic books should have been made into movies before making JH.
6. Survival of the Dead - Note to Romero: zombies are a metaphor for your long dead talent.
5. Dinner For Schmucks - Slightly funnier than Restrepo.
4. 44 Inch Chest - The word fuck is used 162 times. How could this not be my movie?
3. Legion - It's about the apocalypse...brought on by a shitty movie about the apocalypse.
2. Skyline - The Latino guy yells "Via con dios, motherfucker!" before he gets killed. Nuff said?
1. The Tourist - This movie only exists so that Ricky Gervais could take a shit on it. Yay, R.G.!

G-Money's Best Films of 2010

10. Unstoppable - You will believe that a train will not be able to stop.
9. Predators - Predators don't kill people. Movie franchise-killers kill people.
8. Red - Old folks will shoot you in the face...
7. Knight and Day - ...and apparently someone shot Cameron Diaz in the face. A lot.
6. The Book of Eli - The Filthy Critic: "Jesus says kill, kill, kill."
5. The Expendables - Slightly less older folks will also shoot you in the face...
4. The Social Network - ...while Mark Zuckerberg will pop a code in our ass.
3. Kick-Ass - Seriously...Salt, Red, The Losers, The A-Team...your asses got fucking kicked!
2. True Grit - And, really, KA's Chloe Grace Moretz kicked TG's Hailee Steinfeld's ass.
1. The Crazies - I coulda put this zombie flick on my best list, too, if it weren't so underlit.

G-Money's Worst Films of 2010

10. Valentine's Day - If only, like the holiday, shitty rom-coms came just once a year.
9. Robin Hood - G. hates any movie that dares to outdo his boyfriend Kevin Costner's work.
8. A Nightmare on Elm Street - Fun fact: G. is also the bastard son of a hundred maniacs.
7. Splice - Adrien Brody splices genes but never thinks about fixing his giant schnozzola. Irony!
6. Tron: Legacy - The Dude abides...thanks to digital magic and Tron fanboys.
5. The Disappearance of Alice Creed - So...she didn't just step out for a White Castle run?
4. Legion - Way to go, Paul Bettany. This movie plus The Tourist equals you suck balls.
3. Jonah Hex - Oh, Megan Fox...why shit on The Transformers and then make shittier movies?
2. Fame - G. swears they made another movie out of this bullshit. Is this our Arthurian legend?
1. The Last Airbender - It's not a twist anymore when an M. Night Shyamalan film blows.


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