Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Grand Old Perverts

C-SPAN can be intellectual and occasionally interesting, but when they open the barn doors wide for their morning call-in show, you really do get every dumbfuck in America dialing them up. Even people with semi-intelligent views drone on and on AND FUCKING ON before getting to their main point or (and this is really rare) a coherent question to axe the featured guest. Case in point: hillbilly calls in today and wants to talk about Iowa Republican senator Larry "I Did Not Have Sex With That the Toilet Stall" Craig, but before we get to the scintillating hillbilly political commentary, we gotta do the Hee Haw homo humor: "Mebee the REEpublicans shud change they's name to 'The Gay Old Party' or 'The Grand Old PURverts.'" Yuck yuck yuck. Unbelievably, after equating homosexuality with perversion, hillbilly says that Craig's being gay don't matter--it's the hypocrisy that's the problem! This kinda hypocrisy pisses off conservatives so much more, apparently, than the GOP hypocrisy of "supporting the troops" by getting them blown up for nothing and cutting their benefits. Anyway, I'm acting like a C-SPAN caller my own damn self now...delivering a long preamble before getting to the point. So here's the fucking point: it's clear to me now that the new Republican way to give homosexuals a bad name is to act like total shitheads for years and years...before they themselves are exposed as gay!!!! And to totally queer the deal for the queers, these brave family values GOPers make sure they're caught in creepy fucked up gay sex with underage pages or in bathroom stalls. Who knew they would go this far to combat what they call "the homosexual agenda"? It shows a level of commitment that I doubt even Al Qaeda would be able to muster. Unfortunately, Louisiana senator David Vitter went off script and had sex with female prostitutes instead of male ones, thus making heteros look bad, too. Actually, that's prolly the larger social conservative agenda: make all sex seem perverse, tell people just to abstain entirely from these base urges, so that we can pour all our rage and jizz into the bombs that will inevitably fall on Iran. Yay, Republicans!!!


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