Thursday, July 03, 2008

Rotten Tomatoes Is Bullshit

Above: Angelina Jolie, clearly pissed at her makeup artist.

Exhibit A: the film Ultraviolet (2006), an absurd yet sexy over-the-top action thriller, got an 8% approval rating from the compiled critics at Meanwhile, Wanted (just released last week), an absurd yet sexy over-the-top action thriller, got a 72% approval rating. I will allow the argument that perhaps Ultraviolet is not a vastly superior film to Wanted even tho' I enjoyed it a lot more. However, I will not allow the argument that Wanted is kickass and Ultraviolet is dogshit, which seems to be the consensus of the critics. I simply cannot allow, if I'm maintaining any sort of movie critic integrity, that Angelina Jolie's smoking hot naked ass is worth 64% more approval. I, of course, approve 100% of Ms. Jolie's apparent plan to be naked in all her movies and have hot naked sex in at least half of them, but I can't give her movie's ye olde TXB stamp of approval just because she gives me a boner. And, seriously, not that she's not still hot, but is she riding the white horse again? Having cocaine and wheat grass for breakfast lunch and dinner? Following the same diet as the kids she adopts in third world countries? Cause them cheekbones are protruding ever further as the cheeks sink in more and more. Time to eat a cheeseburger, honey. Anyhoo, getting off track. Wanted is ludicrously unbelievable (tho' still not as unbelievable as Indiana Jones surviving a nuclear bomb), but it's okay as a future DVD rental...and it's also nothing you need to shell out 8-10 bucks for--unless, of course, you just have to see A.J.'s hot naked ass on the big screen. And while Milla Jovovich isn't naked in Ultraviolet, it's still a better film (and Milla, like Angelina, is naked in a lot of other movies--so you gotta give her props for that). Also, here's Exhibit B in my case against Rotten Tomatoes: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull--which blows, by the way--got a 77% approval rating. And Harrison Ford never even takes his fucking shirt off!


Blogger Oblivian said...

I bet the wankers at Rotten Tomatoes get bribed anyway. Films that don't pay get low ratings. Only explaination I can think of for it. Honestly, that site has turned into the lowest form of shit conceivable.

3:15 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home