Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wall Street and Loud Commercials Can Blow Me

What Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson is thinking: "Hmm...I haven't yet found a way to totally fuck every single American taxpayer in the ass. How can I accomplish this before President Obama takes over? Man, talk about 'lubricating the market.' I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of lube, baby!"
Loud, annoying commercials have been blasting on our T.V. sets for years. However, the smart, hip, innovative internet has created...more loud, annoying commercials. The difference here is that it's much easier to turn down the volume when a commercial comes a'blaring between Daily Show segments. There's the little knob...just a few inches away from me, and unlike my T.V. remote control, the volume knob for my computer speakers probably won't get lost under couch cushions or buried in the 18 pillows I have on my bed. Probably. So thanks, really are innovate: you've created a way for me to ignore commercials more easily. I must assume that this is, in fact, the plan of advertisers...they must just want us to look at the pictures and ignore the audio, because who would design ridiculously loud commercials otherwise? So what have we learned today? Years and years of commercials designed to be avoided at all costs and the recent Wall Street clusterfuck--presided over by Paulson with breathtaking ineptitude worthy of a Brush appointee--have taught us that American business schools and corporations are apparently cranking out complete fucking idiots. But hey...why not give the assholes 700 billion more of our greenbacks? I'm sure they'll get it right this time.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Politics As Usual

McCain gains in the polls. America looms closer to the abyss. One of my students axed me if I'm leary of voting for Obama because he might not stay in office. I said no...if a dude gets elected, he generally stays in office, but she wuz saying that some people might not want to waste their vote on Obama cuz he could get assassinated. WTF?! No, let's throw our votes away instead on Methuselah's grandpappy and clear the way for the pitbull-with-lipstick chick to do her fucking Fargo impression for the next four years after McSemen breaks a hip watching a Matlock marathon on the Old Fucks Channel.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Next Up On 'Meet The Press'...Diddy!

Here's my new favorite headline ever, from huffpo...

"Diddy Goes Off on McCain for Picking Sarah Palin"

Diddy offers McSemen some sage analysis--"you are bugging-the-fuck-out"--and puts this terse question to the senator about Palin: "Alaska, motherfucker?!"