Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Season's Greetings from China

To all the good little boys and girls of America, who will be receiving many of our toys on Christmas morning:

"Eat lead, shitheads!"

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The Meanest Show on T.V.

Even Sopranos at its most vicious now seems like Sunday school lessons compared to the sheer nihilistic glee of Nip/Tuck this season. Of course, the surgeries themselves have always seemed pretty brutal, but lately the dialogue on the show sounds like a buzzsaw trying to cut through steel. Here's a sampling of the nastiness...JUST FROM LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE:

"I don't date guys with grey pubes."

Kimber: "I'm going back into porn."
Christian: "Well, if you're going to be a depraved slut, you might as well get paid for it."

"Why would I risk having a piece of my dick get bitten off by one of those king crabs you got swimming around in that cesspool of a vagina?"

Matt: "Kimber's going into modeling, and I'm going to manage her."
Christian (to Kimber): "Oh, Jesus...'Crack Whore Magazine's' latest centerfold. Have you see your face, lately, Kimber? It looks like a fraternity couch."

TXB talks to billboards

Billboard: "Keep the 'Christ' in Christmas."
TXB: "Oh, we'll try. But...this IS America."

By the way, don't waste your time looking for a Talking Jesus at Target or anywhere else. Jesus said, "Ask, and it shall be given to you." So, if you ask for one and you don't get it, it means that Jesus hates you and wants you to die.

Merry Christmas!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

This year's most popular toy

Talking Jesus, wal-mart sold all of them. Maybe we can try target?

Monday, December 10, 2007

This is borderline humor my dad would approve of...

Line of the Day

A quote from a student in the school newspaper, describing her favorite family X-Mas tradition:

"Every year on Christmas Eve, my family and I watch It's a Wonderful Life together. Because it's ballin'."

So, just for kicks, I looked up ballin' in the Urban Dictionary, because I thought it had a sexual connotation. Turns out not, but also none of the definitions really seemed to apply to an appreciation of the films of Jimmy Stewart. By the way, if yer ever looking for a laugh, just dial up the site and pick a definition of some whacky-sounding to read, and get ready to bust a gut. Here's a good one:

Ballgargler - A person who gargles balls in their mouth, as they would with mouthwash.

Sleep of the Lost Spider-Poet

The following is, no joke, something I found in an abandoned student notebook. AND THIS WUZ THE ONLY SHIT WRITTEN IN THE NOTEBOOK, all on one page, in pencil. (and no, I don't have any fucking clue what a "drillonaut" is).

Ding Dong, the witch is dead

My insurance covers acts of god.

Wherever you go, there you are.

90 degrees due up.

In the not-too-distant future...

Peter, get down off the ceiling...
Bleak dancing

Drillonaut will kill your fambly.

With style.
My Brains are going into my feet!!!

Bad mind! Bad!!!
I'll have some of what he's smoking!
What if her water broke?

In the spice trade, Thyme is money.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Laugh it up, asshole

Okay, so some political P.R. shitheel has obviously done some research and found out that a significant portion of the population (or maybe just conservatives) will admire the Scandal Freak and hate the man or woman who asks questions of the Scandal Freak...if, that is, the SF can show the appropriate level of disdain for the questions being asked. How best to show disdain? Oh yeah: laugh your fucking fool head off every time a question about some past impropriety or failure is raised. On "Meet the Press," Tim "Potatoes" Russert axed Rudy three or four scandal-scented questions in a row, the first of which involved Rudy's law firm getting some big $$$ in some roundabout way from everyone's favorite dictator, Hugo Chavez. Now, apparently, this was the funniest goddamn thing that Rudy had ever heard in his life, because he guffawed like a hyena...and he just kept laughing harder and harder as each new scandal-question flew from TPR's mouth. I seriously wuz just waiting for him to say, "Timmy, please! You're killing me. My sides ache. I haven't laughed this hard since that tranny hooker went down on me in a limo and lost her dentures halfway thru the BJ!"

Anyway, Mister Political P.R. Shitheel, wherever you may's a note for your suggestion box: when your candidates do this little laugh and dance and don't address scandals or failures seriously and honestly, they look just like the clownshoes fuckwit who has run this country into the ground for seven agonizing years. So...if you want to make us think of the Brush-meister when we think of Rudy or Hillary, then just keep them laughing contemptuously at the few meager challenges the mainstream press puts to them. No really, keep it up: maybe they'll implode in their hollow laughter, and guys like Ron Paul will get more traction. He doesn't laugh a lot, you see, because he realizes just how fucked this nation is.
Anyhoo...make up yer own caption for the following. I'd imagine that the old lady just said something like, "My son's ashes are still at Ground Zero or in a landfill because you cut the recovery effort short once the gold and silver had been found."


If I were Rupert Murdoch, I'd be looking
for a fox in the FOX News hen house...

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Tolstoy's R Us

I'm reading War and Peace. Did I mention that yet? Huh? Y'all knew that? (If I'm reading this bad boy, I'm sure as hell gonna tell all yo azzez about it. Gonna get all the credit for it as I can.)
It's really great. Those nineteenth century novels can be, well, a bit laborious. But this is quite the page-turner.
Nothing more clever beyond that. Sorry.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Behold...the Holy Dildo!

Since Gerry axed about T.K....

Toby Keith wrote some 9/11 song with lyrics like these:

"And you'll be sorry that you messed with the U.S.-of-A.

'cause we'll put a boot in your ass--

it's the American way."
"Sure, I like to fuck
people in the ass now
& then. Who doesn't?"
So...clearly he's an asshole. But, y'know, if any country singer is gonna grow big enough balls to piss off the cartoon killers and the teddy bear psychos, seems like Toby Keith would be the guy. And really, I hope someone does stand up. Enough of these fucking crazy assholes already, and enough cowering before their little-dick threats. If you love Muhammad so much, why don't you let him fuck you in the ass! (before Toby Keith's boot fucks you in the ass). In fact, that's my proposed punishment for religious whack jobs of all faiths who kill people or threaten to kill people: we secularists are gonna anoint something we call "the holy dildo," and we're just gonna haul you in and ram it up your ass every time you spew your warped, homicidal garbage. Then, of course, according to some other religious bullshit law, you'll be "defiled" and the other nutjobs can legally execute you in Saudi Arabia or wherever. Oh, and I hope Muhammad doesn't use lube when he fucks you in the ass with what would have to be the biggest cock ever (because, y'know, it's a celestial cock). Dick, shit, fuck, ass, cock! Tourettes is kicking in again.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

"I just named my penis 'Muhammad'"

Yeah, I said it. What!

And if that's not the title of an upcoming Toby Keith song...well, it oughta be.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Unintentionally Obscene Line of the Day

Regis Philbin, from today's "Live W/Regis and Kelly":

"I'd wanted to squirt it in her mouth."

TXB commentary: I know what yer what possible scenario could Regis have NOT intended that to be obscene? Well, it had something to do with a story about a belligerent airline inspector who claimed that Regis had brought too much toothpaste on his flight (apparently, yer only allowed something like 3 oz.). So Kelly asked if he'd tried to squirt some of the paste into his mouth to get the tube down to the acceptable amount. And then Regis said the above line--with an emphasis on the her. He gave no indication that he wuz aware of the possible sexual connotations. Somehow, Kelly managed to do the same even though there's no way in hell I'm gonna believe that she wasn't thinking to herself, "Holy shit! Did he just fucking say that on T.V.? The old perv is going senile on me!"