code black at walmart

once at walmart gerry almost went to heaven
with a boner over some south african broad
as the frightening-howl-of-it-all graced
the walmartians in the form of a tornado

and the manager called a code black
and everyone went to the cinderblock hallway
next to the monster metal deepfreeze coolers
till the winds could offer only a lazy blowjob

and gerry wondered if the sab had ever beheld
anything as manly and meat-bearing as himself
and if heaven could ever truly exist at some point
beyond boners and broads and babyfaced death

Tornado at Walmart

So I was working this past sat. (at the place that TXB calls my heaven on earth) when the "tornado" came. I would like to imagine that my boss said, "OK, code black, right now, try to get everybody to the opposite side of the store. Whatever you do, do not scare customers." I figured that customers can go to hell- and I ought to see what is up on that "opposite side of the store". The opposite side of the store includes a huge cinder block wall hallway which is next to both of the huge metal deep freeze coolers- just the kind of place that might be "heaven on earth" during a tornado due to the heavy construction within. I quickly understood why the boss said that we should go there. In about five minutes, someone determined the the storm (possibly containing tornado) was supposedly directly above us. At which time, I mentioned the huge stuctures of the store surrounding us. And also at which the exact same time, a group of customers standing next to me said that they were from "south africa" and they "have never seen something like this." The south african woman looked good. I wondered if she had ever seen something like me- and I wondered what I might do to her if the frightening-howl-of-it-all might grace us. Instead of any of that, I told her that they see things of radar- and it was more than likely NOTHING. And then we went back to work- and I was glad that we did not need to re-zone.

TXB ought to hire these guys for his "basement"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mekaALljJM&feature=player_embedded

The Parting of Ways

Someday we'll go somewhere else.
Someday our old routines will pack up,
shack up with someone else.

And we'll no longer wonder who we are.
And our old world will be a toy,
discarded days after Christmas.

Maybe it won't be a better place.
Maybe we'll wish we could come back.
But that's hard to imagine.

Gerry Gets Prosaic at The Porn Palace

Clerk: "Damn, dude...Tittilicious. I wuz gonna take this one home with me tonight."
Gerry: "That right there--your need to tell me that--shows how much you suck at your job."
Clerk: "How so?"
Gerry: "You would agree, I hope, that The Porn Palace is not here for your amusement?"
Clerk: "Sure. Okay."
Gerry: "Mighty white of you. In point of fact, you're here because it's your job."
Clerk: (with dripping sarcasm) "That is very true, Socrates."
Gerry: "And your job is to aid me in my quest to find the perfect jerkoff material."
Clerk: "Well, we also have dildos..."
Gerry: "So why would you point out that you wanted to take home Tittilicious?"
Clerk: "Jesus, dude. Chill. I wuz just joking around with ya."
Gerry: "So you don't want to take home Tittilicious?"
Clerk: "Well, of course I do. Who wouldn't want to take home Tittilicious?"
Gerry: "The point is you can choose from hundreds of other DVDs to take home."
Clerk: "Sure, but..."
Gerry: "Which--I don't even get how that's okay. Your boss lets you do that?"
Clerk: "Sure. If no one rents it, we get to take it home. Two vids max."
Gerry: "Right, but what if someone wants to rent it the next day?"
Gerry's Anima: "Maybe he's opening the store the next day."
Clerk: "Who's that?"
Gerry: "No one. Shut the fuck up."
Gerry's Shadow: "I say we burn this mother down."
Clerk: "I've got a gun. It's a shotgun. I'll shoot you in the face with it."
Gerry: "Calm down. Nobody's burning this mother down."
Gerry's Shadow: "Really? How come?"
Gerry's Anima: "Because there's no reason for it."
Gerry's Shadow: "Just as there's no reason for this jerkoff to guilt Gerry about renting Tittilicious."
Gerry: "Maybe jerkoff knows that Tittilicious is the best porno ever."
Gerry's Shadow: "Point is there's no reason to do anything. Or not to do anything."
Clerk: "Can you guys take this outside? I have to close up soon."
Gerry: "You're not closed yet, asshole. It's ten minutes till midnight."
Gerry's Shadow: "And it's ten seconds till you wear your own ass as a fedora."
Clerk: "Remember the gun, dude."
Gerry Shadow: "Fuck you. I'll string your entails around your mom's Christmas tree."
Clerk: "We're Jewish."
Gerry Shadow: "I'd love to see this dude's molecules merged with a giant porn slag. Let's burn this mother down!"
Gerry's Anima: "I suppose that's your idea of modern art."
Gerry: "Enough. I'm gonna teleport home and jerk off to Tittilicious now."
Gerry's Shadow: "Let's stop off at this dude's house and throw his dog into the next state."
Gerry: "No. I'm going home to jerk off. Tittilicious awaits!"

Gerry's Shadow and Anima melt back into his form and he vanishes, leaving the clerk alone in The Porn Palace. He mutters to himself, somewhat forlornly, "It really is the best porno ever."

TXB: Foreign Policy Advisor!

With all the ridiculous amounts of aid and weapons we give to Israel and all the fucking grief we get for it, just once I'd like for Obama--or any American president--to go all Snoop Dogg on our "great ally" in the Middle East. You know, invite Netanyahu and his flunkies to the White House and say, "This is the way it's gonna go. To start with, you're going to stop building new settlements in the West Bank. And for those that don't like it...eat a dick."

That's Na-cho Paltrow

Just saw a Huffington Post headline: "Gwyneth Paltrow is Filled With Hate." I'll skip the obligatory "what the fuck does she have to be filled with hate about?" commentary since I believe that everyone has a right to be filled with hate. At the end of the story, they should have said, "In a related story, TXB is filled with nachos"...or maybe "...TXB is filled with hate because he can't fuck Gwyneth Paltrow."

If you are having a rough time, then....

No One Knows the Name of Heaven

If you could know its name
and speak that name out loud--
you'd be there instantly.

Then you'd probably laugh
at all us saps who still think
it's "Zion" or "Elysium."

So fuck you.