Monday, October 31, 2011

Jesus Loves Kills You

The disciples had no idea that a treacherous foreign dignitary was among the crowd, for none of them had been recruited by Her Majesty's Secret Service. Jesus Bond knew, though; and if a cop stopped him in the next half hour or so, he would most likely have to produce his license to kill. Wetwork was part of the job, even for the Messiah. Furthermore, the foreign dignitary--given the code name "Goliath" by MI6-- was no Lazarus. Even if the Queen herself had requested it, Jesus Bond would not have resurrected this scumfuck for all the wine in Canaan once a son-of-God-whammy left Goliath counting sheep in hell. But this was a finesse job, a kill that needed to be untraceable, so no lightning bolts from the blue or Jonah's whale would work. However, Jesus Bond had hit upon a brilliant assassination plan that involved five loaves of bread, two fish, and a shitload of arsenic.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Our Man in Jerusalem

Wesley Whitfield sez that I should write about a character that he made up: Jesus Bond. Apparently he can do all the things J.C. reportedly did, but he also has a license to kill. I said to W.W., "But then he can resurrect you, right? So it's sorta like waterboarding, except you don't just feel like you're dying. He actually kills you, then brings you back and sez, 'I can do this all day, you son of a bitch! Where's the fucking bomb'?!"

Thursday, October 06, 2011

Thought For the Day

One day, as I'm handing back graded student essays, I'd like to say to my students, "This is where I finally get even with you dumb bastards."