Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Night at the Movie Theater

It was night at the movie theatre. Or at least I think it wuz. Maybe it wuz late afternoon. I can't really recall, but I do remember that I saw Night at the Museum with one Scott Siler when he wuz in the STL around the New Year. Master Ho has requested a review of this film, but I don't really know what to say except that I agree with Dan: this film was a'ight. It's not a classic by any means, and I generally prefer more violence and nihilism with my films, but ol' quirky/reliable Ben Stiller can make less than uproarious material still seem amusing. What wuz not amusing, tho', is that two middle aged broads seated behind us were talking all thru the previews, even the awesome Fantasic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer trailer. I let that go, but when they kept talking through the movie's opening, I turned around and spoke to the one who wuz talking loudest. I said, "Does TXB have to choke a bitch?" Oh, I did not. I just shushed them, and they stayed shush. And by "shushed," of course, I mean that I stabbed them both in the neck with my switchblade. And thus wuz the proper environment established for viewing a wholesome family film!

Monday, January 29, 2007

TXB Returns to the Theaters!

My soon-to-be-colleague Richard Roeper said on his show Sunday that he hates it when critics claim that a particular year in movies sucked. Sorry, Roep-a-dope, but 2006 did suck. It sucked so bad that I only saw 40 movies total, and a lot of them were DVD rentals. What...I'm supposed to rush to the theater the first weekend to see Silent Hill or The Wicker Man? Not bloody likely. However, be it rational or not, I have some hope that this year will be better. So, armed with my 2007 Wehrenberg Movie Cup and blind faith in the T.V. trailers, I went and saw Smokin' Aces Saturday night. And...well... totally could have waited for DVD. Still, Alicia Keys wuz hot. And Jason Bateman had two minutes of cameo funny. And Ben Affleck got killed early on in a completely random way. And lots of meaningless violence filled the fifth act of the film. So it weren't all bad...

Saturday, January 27, 2007

What Else Will We Miss?

So, tomorrow (Sunday), Melissa and Rick shove off to Tejas. We'll miss these STL thangs:
Cecil Whittaker's Pizza; the fast and free wireless at Panera Bread Co.; (for Rick) being in a city that actually watched and cared about, in large numbers, the Cardinals championship; free rent c/o Mom and Dad Delaney (those mortgage payments really do come around EVERY month?); seein' the Gibblers!
But what else about our fair city will we miss that we just don't realize?

Thursday, January 25, 2007

TXB Has A New Show!

After taking a three year break from episodic television, TXB is back as the new host of "At the Movies." Boehme will take over when Roger Ebert dies, which should be soon, and then the new title of the show will be "Roeper and Boehme At the Movies." Richard Roeper hasn't said much about his expectations for how the show will change once Boehme comes on board, but he did mention that a "beeping" machine had to be installed in the show's studio in anticipation of the 20 or 30 curse words that Boehme is likely to utter during each movie review.

Dan Ho Has His Own T.V. Show!

And yes, quite predictably, it's called "The Dan Ho Show." There's also a Chicago Tribune article about Mr. Ho and his minimalist materialist philosophy. It doesn't beat Osteen's positivity, but I'm down with it. In fact, I might have thrown away as much as 50% of my junk around the house this past summer. Although the article doesn't go into it, future episodes of "The Dan Ho Show" will feature Dan killing a man just for snoring too loud and banging Thai hookers while on crystal meth. How this fits into the minimalist philosophy is anybody's guess, but it certainly meshes with the man I knew at SEMO...who could study for hours upon end and then go bang Thai hookers while on crystal meth.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

You mean it isn't Madonna's later work?

Seems a researcher has established the most horrible sound to the human ear. Guess what it is? Click on the link. Or, go here.

Osteen Has Trimmed the Mullet!

Hard to tell from this picture, but I saw him on T.V. this weekend and my boy had certainly been to the barber. Hopefully, the strength of Osteen's eternal happiness and awesome preaching wuz not in his hair. Also, here's the J.O. teaching of the week: we should be loyal to our family, even if they're total shitheads. Not that anyone in my family is a shithead, so it's easy for me to be loyal. But if you have real deusch bags in your bloodline, it's hard to imagine following the teachings of Osteen unless you too have a magical mullet that always makes you happy. But you should follow his teachings! And we gibblers should go see him when he comes to St. Louis in March.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Who's Next?

So, Watergate conspirator E. Howard Hunt has died. All y'all who've seen "All the President's Men" will remember his occurrence, as Bobby Woodward (Robert Redford) finds "H. H." initialled on a memo.
Who's next? They die in three's. Hmmm...Howard Hunt, Walter Cronkite, and Keith Richards.

Mac Daddy

So I musta missed this, but John McCain deeply dissed Donald:

McCain added: "Rumsfeld will go down in history, along with McNamara, as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history." Donald Rumsfeld served as President Bush's secretary of defense from January 2001 to December 2006. Robert McNamara was Secretary of Defense during the Vietnam War.

McCain has long criticized Rumsfeld, but in July 2004 at a campaign rally in Lansing, Mich., McCain said he had "known and admired" Cheney for more than 20 years and described him as "one of the most capable, experienced, intelligent and steady vice presidents this country has ever had.''

But that was then and this is now, and now McCain is making clear his frustrations with the Bush administration, the Iraqi military and "bureaucratic resistance" in the Pentagon to a troop surge.

Isn't That Jesus at Work?

Whoa! At first, I thought that: 1. Salmya Hayek was dating Stephen Baldwin, and 2. That said Baldwin's recent foray into Christianity called on him to emulate JC's facial hair. But alas, well, at least no. 1 isn't the case.

What? Scorsese's gonna lose again?

Well, the Oscar noms were announced this morning. They are announced in La La Land, at like 6 am PST. Judging from this pic, Salma Hayek, who usually can't look bad if she tried, looks like she didn't get much sleep.

But to counter the cultural elite's list of noms, here's Tim's top 10. (Not that Tim ISN'T culturally elite.)
1. "X-Men: The Last Stand" - Unlike most trilogies (yes, you, "Lord of the Rings"), "X-Men" saved the best for last. And somehow Kelsey Grammer is cool again.
2. "V for Vendetta" - Second most awesome film based on a comic book last year. Also, perhaps a centerpiece in my next pop culture essay: "The Terrorist As Hero."
3. "Running Scared" - It doesn't have much Tarantinoesque dialogue, but someone finally made a worthy successor to "Pulp Fiction."
4. "Clerks II" - And Kevin Smith made a worthy successor to "Clerks"...with a donkey show!
5. "Underworld: Evolution" - Perhaps I'm not using the phrase "worthy successor" correctly. Can it refer to films or just people? Oh well...Len Wiseman made a worthy successor to the first "Underworld" film, but "Underworld: Intelligent Design" would have made a better title.
6. "Ultraviolet" - Like #5, this another solid entry in the "hot chicks kicking" film genre.
7. "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" - The fourth sequel on the list and the third "II" film (if that makes any sense). This film and UE were too cool to use the "II" like "Clerks" did, tho'. Kevin Smith should have just stuck with "The Passion of the Clerks."
8. "Hard Candy" - Here's yer art house entry. A fucked up fairy tale if there ever wuz one.
9. "Why We Fight" - Here's yer documentary...and yer evidence that America, despite the goodwill and decency of many of its citizens, is an evil empire.
10. "The Hills Have Eyes" - Going down in history as "The Film That Knocked 'My Super Ex-Girlfriend' Off the List." I thought Gary wuz off his nut, and he prolly still is when it comes to "The Devil Wears Prada." But not so with this film...


Or maybe it's tied with Marquez's "Love in the Time of Cholera." BTW, "swinging the lead" isn't as badass or as sexy as it sounds. Apparently, it's old Britsh slang for trying to get out of work. I guess Tom Jones wanted to have the day off so he could bang the female construction worker who shows up for work in her bikini. Any other nominations for "Best Title Ever"?

Okay, this chick is hot...

...but this is not "the best show on television." Having previously established, along with Melissa--and despite what the Golden Globs said--that "Grey's Anatomy" is not the best show on television (and actually totally blows)...I now proceed to debunk the myth that "Battlestar Galactica" is somehow so much more than a sci-fi show and must be worshipped and hailed for all that penetrating social commentary that it offers. Yawn. Okay, so it's a quality show...good production values, acting, etc. And sure, there is the occasional commentary on war and such that is interesting for our terror-torn times, but pardon my ass for wanting a sci-fi to actually be exciting and have some cool 'splosions fairly regularly. As the saying goes, the revamped BSG is all fucking and no coming--a bleak contrast to the original series, where there seemed to be a big battle with the Cylons almost every episode. And if the likes of Lorne Greene and Dirk Benedict can be made to seem more interesting than this dame, then you know you're watching one snoozer of a quality show.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Danny Boy

Well, gosh darn it, a hardy "Welcome" to Danny Ho. He's up and bloggin'. Maybe Dan will let all know his whereabouts (Chicago, no?). And Dan and Melissa, a rare instance of Gibblers who have not met in person.

By the way, the welcome mat reminds me: Bill O'Reilly, on his website, actually has for sale The Spin Stops Here door mats, and, Culture Warrior door mats. Who is buying and, more strangely, actually placing these outside their doors, as first impressions for strangers and acquaintances alike.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Fecund Quote of the Day

...Because aren't there always many fecundity quotes every day to choose from?
This afternoon:

My mom, reading the movie section of the paper: Oh, what's this, Children of Men?
My brother: Oh, it's set in the future; nobody is able to reproduce.
Me: Kind of like West Hollywood.

(West Hollywood being the gay section of L.A.)

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Did Boehme Already Blow It?

What? A quick end to blog entries only titled and dealing with the word "Blows"?
The word wasn't encompassing enough to cover the range of Tim's thoughts? Any other word he can employ for all of his remaining blogs? How about "posse"?

Thursday, January 18, 2007

"TXB is so full of joy...thank you for his posts, Lord."

Is this the happiest fucking guy in the universe? You're goddamn right he is. Go, Joel Osteen! Keep rockin' the hard-gelled mullet! Keep preaching in that football stadium-sized church! Fuck all the naysayers who think yer a snake oil salesman. You're okay with me.

I am not even fucking kidding. I love this guy. He totally kicks the shit out of every other preacher in America, including Billy Graham in his heyday. And Pat Robertson isn't fit to even touch a single gelled hair on the end of Osteen's mullet.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

"TXB is so totally my dawg!!!"

I wuz all set recently to make fun of Randy cuz he's just known for saying "dawg." But he brought it to the season premiere of "American Idol" last nite. While Simon was curiously lacking in any of the great, soul-crushing zingers of yore, Randy dressed some fool music teacher down and he also had the most hilarious non-verbal reactions to this chick who spent five minutes trying to sing Prince's "Kiss" (yes, it's not that long of a song...but she would only remember a phrase at a time, would sing the phrase over and over again, then she would remember a new phrase...and the process would begin anew). When the poor lass did an awkward twirl near the end, Randy just closed his eyes and chuckled ruefully to himself. Paula, meanwhile, is obviously just getting flat out shitfaced to cope with all these lameass "singers." Better keep Jewel on standby, "Idol" producers.

Suffer the Little Children...

Here's a riddle: what group of folks loves to stalk little kids and exploit the shit out of them whenever an opening presents itself? Ans.: pedophiles? Sure. But don't forget the media! Jesus Christ, can we get over this fucking "Missouri Miracle" bullshit and stop plastering Ben Ownby and that Shawn kid all over ever goddamn national and local newscast every single night? The fucking kids are safe. Shut the fuck up now, media whores. Oh, and families of exploited children: you are complete morons to go on Oprah or "The Today Show" and let your formerly kidnapped kid get picked at by these vultures. Maybe yer trying to attract the attention of an up-and-coming new pedophile? Or just screw your kid's mind up? Keep it up, hayseeds. You'll get that movie-of-the-week money, yet.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

"24" Job Questionnaire

So they had the big annual four hour debut of "24" Sun. and Mon. nite (I finally got it--two nights, four hours--fucking "24," right?). And I will now spoil the shit out of it by saying that a nuclear bomb went off in California at the end of hour four. Poor Kiefer. Anyway, if you wanna work for the Counter-Terrorism unit that Jack Bauer works for, here's a few key questions from their job application:

1. Do you tend to develop romantic relationships with your co-workers during moments of national crisis and subsequently feel the need to have long boring cell phone conversations about how much you love each other when the terrorists are getting ready to kill us all?

2. Do you anticipate having petty disagreements with colleagues and being a total whiny bitch (note: this applies to both men and women), carrying on meaningless, endless squabbles while you're supposed to be relaying crucial intelligence info. to Jack Bauer or one of your other betters?

3. If I hire you, am I going to have to beat you over the head with a crowbar every five minutes to remind you that we are trying to save western civilization from total destruction, so we don't have time for your personal bullshit?

Mo' Bloggin', Mo' Problems

Gerard--who is surely the mystery man in the photo--axed me if I could sign him up for the blog. I tried, but it seems that I can't. The geniuses who run fucking now insist that you have a gmail/Google account to blog here. And you can only get a gmail account if you have a "mobile" phone. So it's on you, Gerr--go to and sign up for a new email account and then type in yer damn cell phone number so they can "text" you shit, I'm too bored to even explain this crap. This is yet another example in America where anything good eventually gets run into the ground by corporate fuckholes. Fuck you, blogger. com. Fuck you, Google. You wasted your stupid money on YouTube and your stocks are gonna tank to nothing someday soon.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Who He Be?

OK, enrolling all Gibblers to i.d. the man in the background. We all know it's Tim up front (as he should be), not only 'cause we can see his face, but we just know it's Tim with that laissez-faire, savoir faire, fuck-no-it-wasn't-me gesture.
But, back in the day, Win had longish hair. I believe that is he standing by the pickup truck. But, the more I look at it, I wonder if this isn't Gerry.
In the words of Bill O'Reilly, what say you?
(Oh, and the label is my mom's. She organized many of my pictures, apparently. So she is spelling Tim's last name wrong. Savoir faire, fuck no it wasn't me.)

Friday, January 12, 2007

Bush Blows

Yes, get used to it: all of my posts from now on will talk about how something or someone blows. But really, the title sez it all with this one. What more can I say about Bush's speech Wed. night when he's just undergone one of the greatest cornholings from the media in recent memory? I know why Cheney requires that all T.V.'s be turned to Fox News when he stays in a hotel. Surely G-Dub must have a similar requirement. At this point, I don't even consider the FNC a part of the media anymore. They might as well rechristen themselves the WHC (White House Channel). Fox fuckhole Fred Barnes, for example, compared Bush to (brace yourself) Abraham Lincoln after the big speech. Wow...that's the kind of shit that eventually summons the men in white...and they bring a nice white jacket for you to wear, too. We shouldn't be at all surprised if Barnes claims that he or Bush is Jesus in the coming weeks. Anyway, here's my advice to Bush: kill yourself. That's the only way to end your travesty of an existence. Nobody loves you or respects you or believes that you can do any good in this world. You can only bring more suffering to it. The fact that you continue to draw breath is an affront to all that is good or decent about life. As Donald Trump said this morning, your decision to invade Iraq was the worst mistake in American History. So a bullet or a bunch of pills, but just get off our fucking planet.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

You Go, 'boy!

'member this gem from the Oscars last year?

Teach a Tim to Fish...

OK, Timmy, you gots ta let us know if'n you can't get Shiite done on the blog. Looks like now you, Oscar, or whoever you claim to be, figured things out. And don't be snickering back there, Becker. This goes for all of you. If you have a question, raise your hand and ask. We want as many voices contributing to this blog dedicated to, well, uh, dedicated to, uh, many voices speaking out.

But, will we come to regret Oscar's aid to Tim? Already with the foul language and bad attitude...

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Boehme Blows

Yes, it is I, Oscar, come to tell you all...and I shall tell you all about how hard Tim Boehme blows. It's been rumored that he even sucks the big one. I have made him my bitch and forced him to post this anti-txb rant in his own name. I learned him how to post a fucking picture, too. Still, the man is almost singlehandedly bringing sexy back, so he's not all bad.

Saddam, not a schmuk

OK, in an interview with Mary Matalin, Don Imus characterized Saddam as going to the gallows "like a mensch" (Yiddish term for "guy", "normal dude," "swell guy"). I wonder if Mr. Hussein would find that a compliment.

First Irwin, now Iwao

I suppose Tim's glad the creator of Scooby-Doo is dead, too, huh? Didn't die by a jellyfish bite, but, all the same.

Tora Bora Teddy

Man, oh manishevitz, as my wife would say. The enemies are coming out of the woodwork. Here, Teddy Kennedy is labeled a "hostile enemy" inside the U.S. by a Fox News Channel host.

Bad Boy

So, for an update: apparently, Hannity named Sean Penn as his first Enemy of the State. In this pic, you see also featured Kim Jong Il, Castro, etc. Hmmm...I know Penn's acting in I Am Sam may have been a bit shaky. But, more enemy than a nuke-weilding freak?
Here's a good bit on this new mechanism of Hannity's.

Monday, January 08, 2007

With Enemies Like These...

So, seems my guy Sean Hannity has (hold on...he's not really "my guy"--just wanted to be funny and ironical and such) established an Enemy of the State weekly award. Curiously enough, my first Enemy of the State award would go to Sean Hannity. I don't know if that presents a problem, but, there you go.

Comes out smelling like a Donald?

So, who's winning the Rosie/Trump battle? Is it even still going on? In a battle, aren't you s'posed to want at least one of them to win? And am I wrong in, well, not rootin' for either party? Is that so wrong?

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Mea Culpa Pepsica

OK, as Johnny points out, I was negligent in mentioning another highlight of the night. Sir Russell spilled a glass of pop onto his lap. I didn't say he accidentally spilled it, mind you.
What else happened? Did Becker and Boehme fight before I got there? As I was sitting on one end of the table, did Jenn use foul language in front of her husband? Feel free to fill us all in on an event-filled night.

The Gibblers got it tugetha

The Gibblers held a semi-annual meeting last night at Trainwreck Saloon in Rock Hill. (Now, don't that name sound like a porn star's? I understand...)

Melissa was fortified with plenty of girl power. It weren't just a tangle of boys. (That too sounds like a porn movie.)

We discussed Claire McCaskill; New York City neighborhoods; Tim's best and worst movie lists of 2006; and how Win just didn't tip very well (kidding...he tips fine. It's Jenn that doesn't set the food service world on fire.)

Perhaps Tim can find a way to post his movie lists on this site. Or is that just crazy?