Mr. Monk Is Going To Kill Me

Monk is one of those shows that I watch somewhat resignedly. Not a great show by any stretch, yet it's weirdly compelling. And it's over now, so that means just watching it in syndication. I wuz just thinking the other day how no one makes any good cheezy syndicated shows like Xena or Hercules anymore--cuz everyone's watching repeats of Monk or CSI, I guess. Anyway, this is all a setup to talk about my idea for a Monk show--or at least its title. Here, first, is a sampling of past titles of Monk eps.:

Mr. Monk Goes to the Ballgame

Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man

Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect

Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Mr. Monk and the 12th Man

Mr. Monk and the Paperboy

And now we come to my idea. BTW, I'm ripping off my own idea for a James Bond film here, but the title of a TXB-penned episode of Monk would be called "Mr. Monk Gets Buttfucked By Hillbillies Just Like Ned Beatty Did, And He Gets Revenge By Cutting Off Their Heads and Then Murdering All of Their Kin Folk."

Mr. Cogito Goes to Trader Joe's

Cogito: The strangest thing happened to me at Trader Joe's.

TXB: You got raped?

Cogito: No.

Rappin' With Mr. Cogito!

Cogito: The other day I saw some of those lovely, penis-shaped...

TXB: Oh, I love lovely penises. Lovely penises is good.

Cogito: ...mushrooms. They were penis-shaped mushrooms.

TXB: Of course, I love lovely penises best when they're being inserted into lovely vaginas.

Cogito: They have a brain-shape at the end.

TXB: Wait...they look like penises and like brains?

Cogito: Well, yes, the tip...the head of the penis-shaped mushroom looks like a brain.

TXB: Ha, those mushrooms...always thinking with their dicks, eh Mr. Cogito?

Cogito: Hurm. Well.

TXB: Is "poblano" a type of mushroom?

Cogito: No.

Mr. Cogito Is Calculating

Cogito: I learned math because we had to do 78 problems for each unit.

TXB: It was always 78 problems?

Cogito: Well, I don't know about always.

TXB: Just seems like a weird number. Why wouldn't they add two more questions?

Cogito: I don't know.

TXB: So...you had 78 problems but a bitch wasn't one, huh?

When The Jolly Green Giant Ejaculates, You Best Get Out Of The Way