Friday, January 21, 2011

2010 movie rewind

top 10 11 must-see movies

11) somewhere... sofia coppola... yeah, i hated the damn thing, but it was easily the film of 2010 that made me think the most.  and roger ebert (who aint a moron) gave it a perfect score.  to reiterate, though: i hated the movie.

10) true grit... coen brothers... despite the facts that it let me down and that the child actor was entirely overrated, bridges and brolin were worth every penny.  still, with two slight-misses in a row, one wonders if the coens are in their figurative death throes.

9) 127 hours... danny boyle... big fan of danny boyle and the far-out places he takes us.  i'm also developing a fairly embarrassing crush on james franco.

8) scott pilgrim... edgar wright... wicked fun to watch in the theater, and it was a good translation of the books.  if it had held up better after a second viewing, i'd have ranked it higher.  but it didn't.

7) get low... aaron schneider... i simply adored this film.  bobby duval is a god, billy murray is prince, and sissy spacek is the aunt i always wanted.  i just want her to make me a pie and then tell me everything's alright.  bonus points for a lucas black sighting.  he may never be as good as he was in slingblade, but i'll always have a soft spot for him.  the craziest part: this was schneider's first feature-length film.  can't wait to see who signs up for his next film.  perhaps a love affair between dame judy and daniel day?

6) social network... david fincher... i didn't expect anything at all with this film, really, but man did it blow me away.  it's hard to believe the leap jesse eisenberg took from zombieland to network, from barely amusing twat to mature ac-tor.  timberlake still sucks, though.

5) inception... christopher nolan... like coppola, nolan is a master of pushing his audience into uncomfortable places, and inception is perhaps his most disconcerting film so far.  still, i just can't ever truly take leo seriously.

4) mother... bong joon-ho... uh, yeah, "defies description" comes to mind.  this aint no mama i'd ever fuck wit'.  must see to understand.

3) blue valentine... derek cianfrance... gosling's crazy gifted, and williams is a friggin force of nature.  together, they play shipwrecked couple just as well as they do love-at-first-sighters.  beneath the surface, this movie shows us what it means to be truly miserable, and it does this without feeling pretentious or overworked.  and the narrative structure is something that's really quite ingenious (you'll need to see it to understand).  just a damn fine movie.   

2) the white ribbon... michael haneke... one could argue that haneke is the best filmmaker of the last twenty years, and white ribbon doesn't hurt his case.  it may also be his most difficult film, which is saying a lot.  filmed in gorgeously haunting black and white, white ribbon strips away color like it does the bullshit.  and if you've ever seen a cast of child actors better than these, i wanna know about it.  timberlake can't hold a candle to even the youngest of these kids.  i mean, seriously, they scared the shit out of me.  

1) black swan... darren aronofsky... love his movies or hate them, they're always different.  with black swan, aronofsky has finally realized his full brilliance.  loved the revision, loved the cinematography, loved the two freaking hours of tension.  this movie just won't let go of your throat, man.  and what an ending.  it's the kind of movie that stays with you for days.  for days, i say!

1 movie you must never, ever see
1) sex and the city 2... michael patrick king... seriously, this is the worst piece of shit i've ever seen.  sure, there are some bad movies out there, but this one sinks to the bottom because of its offensive, self-interested conceits.  and drivel isn't kind enough for this "writing". it's by far the shittiest script i've ever been privy to.  summary: the whole damn thing is shit.  shame on them.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Best and Worst Movies of 2010

For my money (at $9.50 a flick), 2010 was kind've a blah year for movies. You had a lot of so-so flicks, but few that really jammed. Then you had the bizarre phenomenon of the same movie being made four fucking times. Red, The Losers, The Expendables, and The A-Team all have a gang of special forces dudes or spies--and they're usually betrayed by their own government, and it's usually the CIA, and there's always guns and 'splosions and witty banter along the way. I found all these movies at least mildly entertaining for what they were trying to accomplish, but can't we achieve more, ye action movie gods? You don't necessarily have to do an Inception-style mindfuck--and twisting the plot into pretzel shapes as Salt does only makes things slightly more, uh, salty. Maybe some naked boobies would help. Perhaps you could have people say "fuck" now and then. Maybe the bad guy shoots heroin into his dick...I don't know...just stop with the watered down bullshit PG-13 action flick unless you can really put some magic into it, as the makers of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World did. But now I've getting into my best list, so let's move on. As always, I am joined in my listing adventures by my bro, Gary, AKA "G-Money." All the commentary, tho', is mine, except for that line from The Filthy Critic...

TXB's Best Films of 2010

10. Get Low - Bob Duvall and Bill Murray kick ass; then kill it, bury it, and hold a funeral for it.
9. The Book of Eli - It's, like, what if Daredevil wuz black and carried a Bible around?
8. The Town - My Benjamin directs and acts in a flick set in Boston? It's Townie Christmas!
7. True Grit - I can do nothing for you, son...except recommend this straight-shootin' western.
6. Black Swan - It's a two hour nervous breakdown with a lesbian love scene. What's not to like?
5. The Social Network - In which we learn how the apostle Mark wrote the Book of Face.
4. Kick-Ass - Kicks Iron Man 2's ass, as well as the asses of nearly all other 2010 action flicks...
3. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World - ...but not Scott Pilgrim's ass. It's manga-nificent!
2. Inception - A dream within a dream within a dream within a dreamboat named Leo.
1. Winter's Bone - Hillbilly noir, bleak landscape, meth country...and, yes, a banjo. Priceless.

TXB's Worst Films of 2010

10. A Nightmare on Elm Street - I had a nightmare that I wuz watching this piece of shit.
9. The Killer Inside Me - There's a killer inside me cuz I wanted to kill myself during this film.
8. Restrepo - Call this one Afghanistan Home Movies to better capture the aimlessness.
7. Jonah Hex - All other comic books should have been made into movies before making JH.
6. Survival of the Dead - Note to Romero: zombies are a metaphor for your long dead talent.
5. Dinner For Schmucks - Slightly funnier than Restrepo.
4. 44 Inch Chest - The word fuck is used 162 times. How could this not be my movie?
3. Legion - It's about the apocalypse...brought on by a shitty movie about the apocalypse.
2. Skyline - The Latino guy yells "Via con dios, motherfucker!" before he gets killed. Nuff said?
1. The Tourist - This movie only exists so that Ricky Gervais could take a shit on it. Yay, R.G.!

G-Money's Best Films of 2010

10. Unstoppable - You will believe that a train will not be able to stop.
9. Predators - Predators don't kill people. Movie franchise-killers kill people.
8. Red - Old folks will shoot you in the face...
7. Knight and Day - ...and apparently someone shot Cameron Diaz in the face. A lot.
6. The Book of Eli - The Filthy Critic: "Jesus says kill, kill, kill."
5. The Expendables - Slightly less older folks will also shoot you in the face...
4. The Social Network - ...while Mark Zuckerberg will pop a code in our ass.
3. Kick-Ass - Seriously...Salt, Red, The Losers, The A-Team...your asses got fucking kicked!
2. True Grit - And, really, KA's Chloe Grace Moretz kicked TG's Hailee Steinfeld's ass.
1. The Crazies - I coulda put this zombie flick on my best list, too, if it weren't so underlit.

G-Money's Worst Films of 2010

10. Valentine's Day - If only, like the holiday, shitty rom-coms came just once a year.
9. Robin Hood - G. hates any movie that dares to outdo his boyfriend Kevin Costner's work.
8. A Nightmare on Elm Street - Fun fact: G. is also the bastard son of a hundred maniacs.
7. Splice - Adrien Brody splices genes but never thinks about fixing his giant schnozzola. Irony!
6. Tron: Legacy - The Dude abides...thanks to digital magic and Tron fanboys.
5. The Disappearance of Alice Creed - So...she didn't just step out for a White Castle run?
4. Legion - Way to go, Paul Bettany. This movie plus The Tourist equals you suck balls.
3. Jonah Hex - Oh, Megan Fox...why shit on The Transformers and then make shittier movies?
2. Fame - G. swears they made another movie out of this bullshit. Is this our Arthurian legend?
1. The Last Airbender - It's not a twist anymore when an M. Night Shyamalan film blows.

Monday, January 17, 2011

TXB Talks to the T.V. Again

Ad Woman for Some Bullshit: "You should feel ashamed about all those times you said you were going to change your life and did nothing."

TXB: "Fuck you, bitch."