Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Fuck Every Fashion Critic Who Bagged on Christina Hendricks' Golden Globe Dress

It's classy, yet it shows off her tits. It's the very definition of what every award show dress should be!

The Much Shorter TXB Review: Jimmy Fallon Sucks the Biggest Dick That Has Ever Existed in the History of Jimmies...and Dicks

Sometimes you find shit in online forums that is ten times funnier than anything in sitcoms or stand-up routines. Here's a review of the dreadful Late Night with Jimmy Fallon show, written by an individual known only as domergurl:

I tried to watch when Gael Garcia Bernal and Diego Luna were on to promote Rudo y Cursi and it was beyond stupid! It was obvious that he didn't prepare at all for the interview. It never got past "Hey dudes, you have really cool accents" ... now, Bernal is an internationally acclaimed actor that has been in a lot of American releases (Babel, The Science of Sleep) and Diego Garcia was great in Milk ... did any of that occur to Jimmy Fallon? Nope .. he just sat there like a douchebag, har dee haring it up because they are Mexican and gasp .. movies are made in Mexico? Doi doi doi. Jimmy Fallon has got to be the worst host in the history of late night TV ... and that's saying something because Pat Sajack and Chevy Chase were deplorable. I never got the Jimmy Fallon appeal; he's like a child who tries to act cute, but he's just a dipwad who's lucky that he has some connections in high places. Granted, Conan O'Brien got off to a really rocky start, but that was because he didn't have any mainstream following ... Jimmy Fallon does, oh, and Conan O'Brien has an educated brain in his head ... Fallon, not so much.

Okay ... I think I've made my point.

Monday, January 18, 2010

The G-Money Top 10 Best/Worst of '09

Well, I'll admit that it's not as exciting as the Top 10 vaginas, but here's my bro's movie lists...

10 Best:
1. Star Trek
2. It's Complicated
3. Transformers
4. Taken
5. Avatar
6. Terminator
7. G.I. Joe
8. The Taking of Pelham 123
9. X-Men Origins: Wolverine
10. Law Abiding Citizen

10 Worst:
1. Pandorum
2. Outlander
3. The Chaos Experiment
4. The Box
5. District 9
6. Crank 2: High Voltage
7. Jennifer's Body
8. Donkey Punch
9. Horsemen
10. Duplicity

Friday, January 15, 2010

How women play the kazoo

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

walmart cribdeath

one day while gerry played hide the salami
in plain sight at the walmart deli counter
for all to buy & put in their mouthes
he saw a fat baby tip a shopping cart
merely by
sitting in the cart
& down did come
baby head first
into the
& died & gerry
baby's momma
for 40 seconds
with his salami
& his dick

Monday, January 04, 2010

TXB Best/Worst Flicks of '09

Top Ten Best Movies of '09 (from bestest to least best):

1. Inglourious Basterds - The last line of the flick sez it all: "This may just be my masterpiece."
2. Watchmen - A damn good comic book becomes an even better movie. Not foreseen.
3. Star Trek - As a half-British, half-Vulcan dude might say, "Spock on, mate!"
4. Observe and Report - Boasts the funniest near date-rape scene of the year!
5. The Informant! - Has a good time showing us how stupid people in suits can be.
6. Up in the Air - Kickass script, tight performances, believable characters, but where are all the blue people?
7. The Merry Gentleman - First time director Michael Keaton jerks one out of the park.
8. Terminator Salvation - Christian Bale responds: "I hope it was fucking good." was.
9. Deadgirl - Weird, sick, funny...this one's got it all for weird, sick, funny people like me.
10. The Hangover - Funniest simulated-buttfucking-of-a-tiger-scene of the year!

Top Ten Worst Movies of '09 (from worstest to least worst):

1. The Limits of Control - TXB tagline: The limits of your attention span...will be tested.
2. Paranormal Activity - Unlike Bernie Madoff, the director of this movie is still at large.
3. Caprica - Boring, bullshit prequel to the ho hum Battlestar Galactica T.V. show.
4. Summer's Moon - Show's how cheapshit movies can be slapped together in 15 days.
5. Stiletto - Another cheapshit movie that I only saw cuz it wuz a buck at redbox.
6. Fired Up! - The Filthy Critic sez it best: "a toothless, titless bad comedy."
7. Ninja Assassin - Dumbass slash-and-dash kung fu crapola.
8. Angels and Demons - Again...T.F.C.: "As if Catholic rituals weren't silly enough already."
9. The Haunting in Connecticut - Greeted in my house with "The Sleep Apnea in Hillsboro."
10. Horsemen - Throw Silence of the Lambs, 7even, and pure grade bullshit into a blender, and this is the flick you get. Way to make another shitty movie, Dennis Quaid. Asshole.