Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Theme: Man Versus Mime

Here's a short short story written collaboratively by my Comp II students...

(fear of mimes)

The balloon drifted away into a clear blue sky. Then it popped. The little boy wasn't too upset because there were lots of balloons at the fair. A mime walked up to the boy, expressing his sadness over the popped balloon. The boy kicked the mime in the shin. The mime started crying. The boy laughed at the sight of a grown man crying and walked away. The mime ran after the boy, shaking his fist in the air. Suddenly, the boy turned around and punched the mime in the gut. The boy’s punch was so hard that the mime threw up all over the place. The boy then threw a fit, took off his vomit-stained shoes, and went the rest of the day barefoot until he stepped on an old, rusty nail. Blood was seeping from his foot. He looked down and passed out at the sight of it. When he woke up, he was all alone in the dark. As he sat up, straining his eyes to see, he could barely make out the towering outline of a Ferris wheel. Standing behind him, unseen, was the mime, and above the Ferris wheel was another balloon…drifting away.

Monday, April 28, 2008

TXB DVD Roundup

I been renting movies like a guy who has utterly lost his faith in T.V.--well, okay, not like that guy...I am that guy. I thought I would always maintain my faith in T.V. even if I gave up on Christianity, the progressive movement, and Pizza Hut. What's God damn it...if I lose my faith in porn, I want one of you gibblers just to execute my dumb ass. Anyway, with the loss of faith in T.V., my faith in independent films, particularly in the DVD market, hath grown big time. So here's a few films I can recommend as long as yer not renting movies solely from redbox...and as long as you take your humor black: The Good Night is a sort of a tragicomedy about a guy who dreams nightly of Penelope Cruz and--following a completely logical line of thought--decides that he'd rather live in that dream world than in the shitty real world where he has a lame job and is living with ugly ol' Gwyneth Paltrow (uh, waitaminute...the logic chain broke down somewhere in the last part of the sentence). It's not a laugh riot throughout, but it has two of the funniest scenes I've seen in a film lately--both featuring that dude from Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. In the not-as-funny-but-still-amusing comedy vein we have Wristcutters, which is about a dude who offs himself only to find out that suicides all go to a world that is very much like ours...only a little worse (and they all say "offed" instead of "committed suicide" for some reason). Also, no one can smile in that world, so it's sorta like living in Hollywood without the coke and the whores, I guess. Patrick "Tempus" Fugit does an adequate job of being our Everyman in hell, and Shannon Sossamon is hot and pale as always. The best part of the movie is some weird-ass song by a band named Gogol Bordello. It's called "Through the Roof 'n' Underground," and you can dial it up on the Tubes of You, yo. In the tragic and not at all comic arena, we have Starting Out in the Evening, which is one of those movies that--well, you know how critics always say that you can't predict where such and such movie is going...but you always totally can predict it?--anyway, this is a movie where it's actually true: you can't predict where things are all gonna end up. But it's a good ride with smart people who are involved in completely foreign cinematic subject areas like reading books, writing criticism of books, going to interpretive dance shows, reading in bed...y'know, completely off the wall shit like that. Cultural shit. Stuff that only elitist presidential candidates like Barack Obama would engage in while Hillary is knocking back shots of Crown Royal and McCain is sitting in a pile of his own feces, muttering something about Iran. And finally, speaking of smart people with culture, let's swing back to tragicomedy (yay, tragicomedy! you're so hot right now!) with The Savages, which depicts siblings played by Laura Linney and Phillip Seymour Hoffman illustrating the necessity of putting your batshit elderly dad in a nursing home before he does something crazy (like run for president). I'm sure I'm prolly the only one who found this to be the funniest line of the movie, but PSH cracked me up when he had to explain to his sister the reality of all nursing homes: "Right now, inside that beautiful building, it's a fucking horror show!" Oh, and if you must rent only from redbox, you could do worse than watching my boys Brad Pitt and Casey Affleck tear it up in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (actually, for all I know, you might be able to get every one of those movies from redbox--y'see, I'm one of the eight dumbasses in America who still rent movies at Blockbuster...) "Sure, tragicomedy is hot right now, but when's the last time it gave you a wet dream?"

Don't Tell My Heart...Or Billy Ray

Another day, another non-issue to distract us, and let us now get all fucking righteously indignant about utterly unsexy photos of 15 yr. old Miley Ray Whogivesashit. Come on, people! We've got Mormons with unibrows to worry about! Anyway, my only question for photographer Annie Leibowitz would be, " were going for the whole Interview With A Vampire look with this one?"

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Line of the Day

Bill Maher on "Bittergate":

"You know who's bitter in America? I am! Because shitkickers voted twice for a retarded guy they wanted to have a beer with...and everybody else had to suffer the consequences."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Dem Bones

Rooting for the Dems is like rooting for the Rams. The current party looks like a bunch of losers all the time--even when they win. Even now, they have two high profile candidates out there, ensuring that no one really gives a shit about Grandpa Munster McCain (oh, except George Stephanopoulus...that tool still has a job after the recent botched debate?)...but all that glitz and glam and "rock star" or "historic" bullshit still has the whiff of failure in November. Not b/c Clinton or Obama couldn't win (will, Clinton couldn't) normally, but as most of the pundits are saying the eventual Democratic nominee for prez is gonna look like burnt brownschweiger when the hurlyburly's done and the battle's lost and won. And I'm talking about the's definition of "brownschweigher," which is even more gross than regular brownschweiger. We all know that America is still Dumbfuck Nation Central if McCain wins, but it has to be said that such an outcome would also permanently label the Dems as Loser Party Central. Seriously...what the fuck? You're gonna lose to Mister "100 Years in Iraq"? Mister Senile Fuckface who calls his wife a cunt? The total asshole who sings, "Bomb, bomb, bomb...bomb bomb Iran" as a fucking joke?

But fears about the election are prolly unfounded. Obama will prolly win the nomination, and when McCain brings up Rev. Wright and "godamn America," Obama will counter with ads that mention the words "trollup" and "unutterable obscenity" (with a link to the word "cunt" for the online ads). Hell, it may even be a blowout if McCain's clear mental illness continues to reveal itself (I'm rooting for a press conference where he says something like, "America must hunt down Al Qaeda. We'll kill those gooks no matter where they hide!").

Still, if Obama or Clinton becomes the next prez, I fear that both of them would find a way to NOT get us out of remain steadfast wusses in the face of all Republican opposition...and to honor that proud Democratic tradition of losing thru winning...which, if yer keeping score, is just plain fuckin' losing.

Friday, April 18, 2008

"Donny, you're out of your element!"

And now a story of how my bro wanders into a conversation like a child...or like Donny in The Big Lebowski, as I describe to our fellow bowler Bob what Bill Maher said about the pope's visit in light of the recent raid on that LDS compound in Texas...

TXB: "Yeah, he said, 'If you fuck a few kids, you're a whacko religious cult. If you fuck a whole lot of kids, they throw you a parade.'"
Gary: "What?! Did the pope really say that?"
TXB: "Huh? No! Why would the fucking pope say that? The pope would have to be on drugs to say that!"
Yeah, the pope may have helped cover up the kid-fucking, but he's no drug addict.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

TXB response to the title of the new James Bond movie..."Quantum of Solace"

"The what-the-fuck of fucking what?"

Line of the Day

Overheard in my Comp II class:

Candice: "I used to sweat a lot."

Jared: "Back in the day."

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

(Yawn)...Hillary is Still in the Race?

A headline from The Huffington Post:

"Washington Post Poll: Majority Think Hillary Is Dishonest"

In a related story, a scientific study found that everyone else who took the poll had their heads up their asses.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

That Star Trek Guy

Patrick Stewart is getting good reviews for his current role in "Macbeth" in NYC. I haven't read this one yet, but here 'tis.

Now That's What I Call a Maverick!

From The Huffington Post:

John McCain's temper is well documented. He's called opponents and colleagues "shitheads," "assholes" and in at least one case "a fucking jerk." Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days.

In McCain's defense, that trollup DOES wear a lot of makeup.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Thoughts on Tim Russert

You know who else sucks balls? Tim Russert.

Note to the Clintons

Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. Fuck off. And. Die. Ditto to you, McCain.

From "TXB Pensees" (it's French, bitch)

Pensee #1: Why are we living? To be living. No other reason.

The Mirror Has Two Faces...And So Does the Freak Baby From India

I'd make fun of the freak baby (pictured above, middle) but if she really is the reincarnation of some badass Hindu goddess, then I must abstain. The Lord God Tim Boehme doth not diss other gods...esp. the badass ones. I like how the dad in the story sez that freak baby is "like any other child." Aside from the second face, right? Guess she won't ever have to worry about "saving face," eh? She's already got an extra one stored up! Bah-da-dum. I'm here all week, folks. But seriously, when this girl grows up, she better be a straight shooter...or she'll be accused of being four-faced. Talk about facing adversity. If she runs a company some day, she'll have to have face-to-face-to-other-face meetings with her employees. Oh, shit. I'm making fun of freak baby like I totally said I wouldn't. Durga's gonna fuck my shit up. Anyway, I just thank God that Lali wuzn't born in America during the 70's. The two face thing would have been the least of her problems as schoolyard bullies sang over and over that song, "Lali, Lali, Lali, get your adverbs here." Not that it carries any negative connotations. It's a good song for about the first 231 times you hear the chorus. After have to go on suicide watch.

Line of the Day

I heard the following line spoken, I shit you not, in a busy hallway at school, and the speaker wuz speaking loud enough for anyone nearby to hear...AND she wuz telling her little anecdote to five or six other peeps...

Student: "He was like, 'I'm going to come in your mouth or on your face' and I was like, 'Oh no, you're not!'"

Friday, April 04, 2008

The Ego Is Our Only Enemy

From the movie "Revolver," written and directed by Guy Ritchie:

"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat, and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild, and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch, the hip, hip, hoo-fucking-rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on, you crazy diamond...because we're all just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others. If we knew this, we wouldn't do this. And if you had a second chance, you would ask...why?"

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

High Waters

They closed the two doors to the flood wall in downtown Cape Girardeau on Wednesday in response to rising waters from the river. Now the new generation of Gibblers won't have a convenient place to piss in the water or to pass out on the park bench after a night of heavy drinking at many of downtown's finer establishments like Rude Dog Pub, Broussard's Cajun, Mollie's Bar and Breakaways. Myers Hall is just too damn far away to walk under these conditions. Maybe they'll piss on the big clock in the middle of Spanish Street like a dog at a fire hydrant (see picture above).

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

McCain: Can Someone Explain This Fuck to Me?

John McCain. How in the world did this douche bag rise to the top? Funny...people booed the shit out of Brush at a baseball game. Boo...boooo!!! Now let's vote for an asshole that thinks just like the asshole we just booed when it comes to the Middle East! Truly...the American public is a bunch of dumb motherfuckers without hope of redemption if we put John McCain in the White House. I mean....shit: does it really just come down to the fact that people know who the guy is, that he stayed in the Hanoi Hilton...and that they know absolutely nothing about the batshit crazy things he's said about Iraq? Apparently, the polls say that people think McCain is a better man than Hill or Obama when it comes to dealing with the colossal goatfuck that Brush got us into. Polls also say that the American peeps want us out of Iraq. Is it just me, or are the pollsters injecting the pollees with a different drug each time they give a new poll? How in fuck's sake can you be for a speedy withdrawal from Iraq...and for the candidate who says that we might have to stay in Iraq for a 100 years? I give up. I really fucking do. This country apparently just wants to die. We'll scrawl our suicide note on a ballot when we vote for Grandpa Munster and hum "Bomb, bomb, bomb...bomb bomb Iran" as the mushroom clouds rain down on us sixth months later.