Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Fo Ho

So, I recently watched a series of videos featuring Chris Hitchens, Sam Harris, Danny Dennett, and Rick Dawkins. Yup, a bunch of non-theists, dubbed the Four Horsemen, well, agreeing with each other. None of the fisticuffs I know I love to watch. No conflicting debates. But, hey, I'll take it.

What He Said

See my comment to TXB's bit on Obama.

So, you all know that Hillary is participating, albeit stealthily, in Florida. Despite this pledge.

State of the Dumbfuck

"Incredibly, the most repeated word in this State of the Union address was 'trust.' ('Trust me,' says the con man, as he slips a joker out of his sleeve.)"

--Joan Z. Shore

Wow. That's balls. I wouldn't trust Brush to wash my car.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Gotta Go "O"

Well, they called it this way on one of the political morning shows: it's a two-person race on the Republican side--McCain and Romney--and a two-person race on the Democratic side--Obama and Clinton. So, basically we have one human being (the Mighty O) and three total scumfucks. Hillary...I'm sorry all you good liberals, but to vote for her you'd have to sell a little sliver of yer soul. After the racist innuendo Slick Fuck Wet Willie has been slingin', Hillary is dirtier than one of Bilbo's bagged-and-tagged-tramps. Really, the Billary duo are absolute sick pieces of shit that are nearly as reprehensible as Brush in so many ways, and the only reason people forgive them all of that is because they can make the trains run on time and govern at least competently. As for McCain...anyone who votes for him should just start rubbing their own feces on their face and believing that they can win at "American Idol," because only the truly demented and deluded among us would vote for such an obviously crazy old codger. Really, America? You think the off-his-rocker-nut dude should control the nukes? Hell, let's just elect Charlie Manson and get on the fast track to World War III. Or, y'know, let's just hang out in Iraq for another 100 years like Grandpappy McCain wants, so that the Cyberdine Model 1000 of John McCain can one day show his great-great-grandkids what a lovely fucking parking lot we will have built over there. Finally, Romney...again: really, America? I thought half of you were crazy fucks for voting for Brush after realizing what a raging flip-flopper John Kerry wuz. But at least I agreed that the flip-flopper label fit J.K. to a tee. But when it comes to flipflopping away, ol' Mitt makes Kerry look like the picture of absolute conviction and certainty. So, folks, let's admit it...Obama is the only sane choice in all this, and we just have to hope that L'ill Bill decides to make a play for some campaign worker with a vagina right soon...or hope that the American people see Hillary for the completely unelectable fraud that she is.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Rambo Balboa

"Goddamn illegal immigrants!"

That's the movie we need to see next: Rambo and Rocky meet in the old folks home, and they become such good pals that Rocky name's the kid he has with a twenty year old nurse after Rambo. Then you cut to 16 or 17 years later, and you've got a kid who can box like a motherfucker and kill people in 80 different ways--shipped off to Iran to fight the leading heavyweight jihadist and kill everyone else in the country! Aw yeah. Those fucking striking writers better watch out, cuz the txb-scab is ready to go to work. Anyhoo, saw "Rambo" with G. Gonna review it on my T.V. show. Surprisingly, it wuz actually pretty good if all yer lookin' for is decent characters, a decent story, and pure carnage. It's funny when someone axes me whether "No Country For Old Men" is really violent, b/c compared to movies like "Rambo" it looks as if the Coens have filmed a skirmish at Vacation Bible School. I'm sure I'm not blowing anything for anyone when I mention that John Rambo is alive and well at the end of the film and ready to make more sequels. He has also returned to America, after apparently years of exile overseas. Thinking back to "First Blood," I said to Gary after the movie, "Geez, I hope he doesn't get pulled over by a cop," and G. replied, "Yeah...I can just picture it: 'Looks like you've got a piece of intestine hanging off your machete there, John. I'm afraid we're gonna have to take you in for questioning.'"

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Killing Joke

This is an open letter to Heath Ledger's Ghost. Adioski, Mr. Ledger. I've never had strong opinions about you either way, but at the very least you were someone who had the good looks of a man who could have been a real tool because of his good looks...but you never seemed that way to me. Alas, after checking out yer filmography on IMDB, I wasn't all that impressed, and you were in one of the worst films of 2007 ("I'm Not There"); but at least, from what I've heard, you had the good sense to possess a certain amount of disdain for the films you were in. And, I gotta fess up...I never saw "Brokeback Mountain," which I really should have done by now. Perhaps your death will inspire me to rent the DVD. I'll say this, too: you look like one badass fucking Joker. When I first heard you were cast in the role, I thought about writing an open letter to Batman franchise director Christopher Nolan, and axing him, "Dude...what the fuck?! Heath Ledger? Really? That's the craziest motherfucker you could find to play the Joker?" But hey, I guess Mr. Nolan saw your dark side and made the right choice, cuz you look freak-deaky, my friend. Anyway, despite the fact that you might have checked out before "The Dark Knight" wuz totally in the can (a bit inconsiderate, hoss), I will say this: if you did commit suicide, then I applaud you for it. No, really. It doesn't have the dramatic flair of a stingray shot to the heart, but it's a little bit awesome if you offed yerself, and don't let any of these poor saps down here tell yer ghost any different. See, too many people wait till they're washed up has beens to commit suicide. They put it off till no one even gives a shit that they committed suicide. But you have made a bold step forward to make a bold statement to all the oh-so-far-less-than-bold drones shuffling through their ludicrous zombie lives thinking that any of the bullshit that happens on planet Earth means anything ever. And that bold statement to those lameass zombies is this: even hot dudes who have decent movie careers and prolly any hot chick they want in their beds each night have every right to swallow some pills and whisper "fuck you" to life before they drift off to the good, unbroken slumber of a dreamless eternal shore.
I hear that maniacal Joker laugh, buddy. Bravo. You nailed it.

Crimson and "Cloverfield"

Saw "Cloverfield" over the weekend. Not bad, and much better than any January movie release has a right to be. This is the dumping time for studios--the time for movies with Queen Latifah or Nicholas Cage. Not that N.C. doesn't occasionally make a good film, but he makes so many movies that inevitably there's a cinematic turd that turns into a Jan. or Feb. dump job. I guess the studios decided that "National Treasure 2" wuz a sufficiently lame holdover from the holidays, so they didn't need to inflict another "Wicker Man" on us. Anyhoo, with "Cloverfield" the new shaky-cam film genre scores its bigget hit since "The Blair Witch Project," and even outdoes it in some ways (tho' BWP was creepier). There isn't much to give a shit about in terms of the characters, of course, but after fifteen or so minutes of boring chit-chat by the lead actors for the camcorder-guy at a party, the Big Monsta attacks New York and totally punts the Statue of Liberty's head through some skyscraper uprights like Lawrence "third Tynes a Charm" in that game Sunday. And, oh yeah: it's on! (alas, just like the doomed characters in this film, the Giants are prolly gonna get they asses kicked by the Big Monsta Patriots on Super Bowl Sunday, but for Scotty's sake I hope that the rebel alliance can win the day).

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Ah Hah

Is there really any doubt about wether weapons of mass destruction exsists and where they
are located ? While every adorer of Allah faces East, the WMDs are programmed to point west.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

A New GOP Candidate Emerges!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Best and the Worst Movies of 2007

I saw over 80 movies at the theater and on DVD in 2007, and I guess it's not hard to see what got me excited. There wuz a whole lotta blood spilled in six of my ten faves, and my number one flick introduced us to the coldest killer since Hannibal Lecter...

TXB's Top Ten:

10. Death Sentence
9. Stardust
8. I Am Legend
7. Bridge to Terabithia
6. Beowulf
5. 1408
4. Shooter
3. Grindhouse
2. 300
1. No Country for Old Men

Meanwhile, brother Gary continues to go his own way and demands, as always, a place or two for horror films on his list...even if it means recognizing what seemed to me to be pretty sub par sequels. And speaking of sequels: in what Bizarro world does Gary have "Spider-Man 3" on his best list and I don't? Ah well...

G-Money's Top Ten:

10. The Hills Have Eyes II
9. Bridge to Terabithia
8. Superbad
7. Resident Evil: Extinction
6. Spiderman 3
5. Transformers
4. The Bourne Ultimatum
3. Death Sentence
2. 300
1. Live Free or Die Hard

The thing about seeing 80-something movies in one year is that yer gonna see a whole lot of bad ones. It wuz a particularly bad year for women in jeopardy in film. But hey, I did it to myself. Everyone knew damn well that Lindsey Lohan weren't gonna get nekked in I Know Who Killed Me, so why in hell did I rent it?

TXB's Worst Ten:

10. Fay Grim
9. Next
8. Hostel 2
7. Wrong Turn 2
6. Blades of Glory
5. Shoot'em Up
4. I'm Not There
3. The Return
2. I Know Who Killed Me
1. Ocean's 13

Darn that Gary. He once again puts one of my best movies on his worst list!

G-Money's Worst Ten:

10. The Number 23
9. Rush Hour 3
8. Hannibal Rising
7. Eastern Promises
6. Hoax
5. Bug
4. Zodiac
3. The Messengers
2. Grindhouse
1. Hot Fuzz

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Line of the Day

This one from Uncle Vern, at a pot luck holiday gathering at his house:

"Okay, it's time to eat. Now, basically, what we have is ham and five different kinds of potato salad...which I attribute to a lack of communication."

Lyrics of the Day

I wuz thinking that the rise in fortunes of Mike Huckabee and Barrack Obama might signify an interesting trend on the part of the electorate: we're saying that we want the closest facsimile of a human being that we can get. Oh, it might not be possible to get an actual, flesh and blood, real human being for either the Democratic or the Republican candidates, but con sarn it: we should be able to demand a reasonable approximation. Of course, given my increasingly nihilistic tendencies, I might eventually prefer a candidate who is, in the words of Mister Rob Zombie, "more human than human." But what would such a candidate be able to communicate to us lesser, regular humans? Well, I'll let Mr. Z give us an idea. Imagine, if you will, an independent candidate who spoke these inspirational words to the masses (and yes, I do believe the word he's going for is "psychoholic," not "psychotic"):

Yeah, I am the astro-creep
a demolition-style hell American
freak, yeah, I am the crawling dead
a phantom in a box
shadow in your head
say acid suicide
freedom of the blast
read the fucker lies, yeah
scratch off the broken skin
tear into my heart
make me do it again, yeah, yeah--
more human than human.

Yeah, I am the jigsaw man
I turn the world around
with a skeleton hand, say
I am electric head
a cannibal galore
a television said, yeah
do not victimize, read the
motherfucker-psychoholic lies, yeah
into a psychic war I tear my soul apart
and I eat it some more, yeah, yeah--
more human than human.

I am the ripper man
a locomotion mind love
American Style, yeah
I am the nexus one
I want more life, fucker
I ain't done, yeah--
more human than human.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Living in Paradise

It's 60 degrees in the middle of winter in Chicago. Global warming isn't so bad. So the Arctic ea glaciers are melting and the world sea levels are rising, it's warm here.