Friday, October 29, 2010

there is power in the piss at walmart

during a long lunchbreak

gerry read hisself a holy book

in the holy book section of walmart

but then gerry had to piss

so he put the book down

and turned to go to the pisser


gerry had to piss



& concluded

that reading

the holy book

had made him

have to piss

so he picked up

the book


& sure

enough he

had to


so he tossed

the book


& pissed


over it with

a penis holier

than any book

then went

back to work

leaving the holy face of rick warren
all pissed on &

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Lyrics by TXB and his new band, Ceti Alpha 5

Tear Dis Shit Down

We gonna tear dis shit down, down
We gonna tear dis shit down, down
You think you got a nice so-sigh-ah-tee
But we are gonna come and fuck it up
We gonna take a shit in your creme brulee
We gonna stick a shiv in your fanny pack
We turnin' all your ones to zeroes, fool
and stickin' our dicks in all your apps
We gonna tear dis shit down, down...

Monday, October 18, 2010

Student Essay Line of the Day

"Joe and I immediately burst into laughter after Steve asked us how we could be thinking about trees and not vagina. Steve couldn't grasp the fact that thoughts of vagina were absent from our minds."

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Viking Penis

This week in Penis and Vagina News brings forth the curious tale of Brett Favre, who respectfully submitted a photo of his penis by cell phone to a would be paramour. Bit of a Hail Mary pass, you ask me; and, like most Hail Mary's, it didn't work. But the real scandal here is that, once again, the penis is not fully acknowledged as a key player in all this. You will hear tales on the nightly newz of how BF "sexted" photos which were "obscene," "inappropriate," "lewd." You will never hear the crisp, completely unambiguous phrase, "Brett Favre sent a picture of his penis to a dame," and you certainly won't hear Brett Favre forthrightly clarify his motive by saying, "I thought that my penis and her vagina should get to know each other. I think they have a lot in common. Look, my penis works just as hard as I do to win football games, and sometimes when I'm on the road my penis just needs a place to crash. Her vagina would have been perfect for that." In the final analysis, Brett Favre's penis only wanted to follow the man's lead: it wanted to come out of retirement.

Monday, October 04, 2010

Penis and vagina in the news this week

At, this week's edition seems to be very pervo. I was thinking that the lord god Tim Boehme might approve...

Michael Edwards Jr., 28, was arrested in July after an incident at a Giant food store in Gaithersburg, Md., in which he followed a customer to her car and sprayed her from a bottle whose liquid was part semen. [WUSA-TV (Washington, D.C.), 8-2-10]

Michael Lallana, 31, was arrested in Santa Ana, Calif., in August and charged on two separate instances of "discharging" his semen into a female co-worker's water bottle. [Orange County Register, 8-17-10]

William Black, 28, was arrested at a Sarasota, Fla., Wal-Mart in September after he grabbed a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue off the magazine rack, retreated to another aisle, and masturbated, leaving semen on the floor. (Black said he had been overcome looking at all the "hot girls" among Wal-Mart shoppers.) [Sarasota Herald-Tribune, 9-15-10]

U.S. and NATO forces in southern Afghanistan have reported feelings of revulsion at the number and ostentatiousness of local Pashtun men who publicly flaunt the 9- to 15-year-old boys that they've acquired as lovers. The boys dress (and use makeup) like girls, dance, hold the men's hands, and show off in front of others of their age. According to an August San Francisco Chronicle dispatch from Kandahar, locals explain the practice as partly regional tradition and partly a response to Islamic and tribal customs that make young females off-limits to men until marriage (Local saying: "Women are for children; boys are for pleasure"). (The more fundamentalist Pashtun also point out that boys are "cleaner," in that they never menstruate.) [San Francisco Chronicle, 8-29-10]

In September, the Treviso, Italy, adult doll maker Diego Bortolin (who specializes in lifelike, precisely detailed, fully flexible, anatomically correct models of humans) told reporters that he had completed a special order for a 50-year-old businessman whom he would not name but who paid Bortolin the equivalent of $18,000 (compared to his normal price of about $5,000) to go beyond his generic "young woman" -- to create a replica of the very girlfriend who had just recently dumped him. The extra expenses were "because we had to replicate everything, right down to the shape of her nails and teeth" -- plus, the man wanted his substitute girlfriend to have bigger breasts. [ Messaggero (Rome), 9-1-10]