Thursday, April 24, 2014

Comic Book Death Vs. Comic Book Meth

"Breaking Bad," season 6, the comic book...set in the Marvel Universe:

Walt comes back to life in the morgue. We learn that he had been working on a brand of meth mixed with the super soldier serum while he was hiding out in New Hampshire.  Where did he get it?  Mystery!  Days earlier, before Walt makes his fateful return to New Mexico, a hooded figure stands in the desert above Hank's unmarked grave. The hooded figure has the cosmic cube--yes, the cosmic cube, not the fucking lameass tesseract--and suddenly the cube sparks and a bolt of energy shoots from it into the ground and Hank is reborn with superpowers. He can now make anyone, man or woman, desire him sexually and have the impulse to rub their genitals all over his bald head.  Henceforth he shall be known as Hanky Panky!  But is he a hero or a villain?  Time will tell!  Also...Gus Fring:  brought back as a cyborg with human, metal, and chicken parts by a sinister corporation, and of course half his face is metal now, and of course he's called El Polo Hermano. Also, before he died, Walt injected Todd's dead body with some of his new meth, so Todd comes back as the villain Dead Eye Opie. Meanwhile, Jesse is tracked down by government agents who subject him to gamma radiation treatments, figuring he will gain superpowers, and then he can help them take on Walt and acquire the super meth serum. But, as sometimes happens when one gets hit with a bunch of gamma rays, Jesse loses all his hair and dies.  Don't worry, tho', cuz Hanky Panky has sex with Jesse's corpse and some of the residual cosmic cube energy is in HP's semen, so yeah:  Jesse comes back with with a vengeance as The Bitch-Slayer.
That's right.  Not a fucking lameass tesseract.