The Man Who Was Once A Man

A while back, 'round 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, I wuz thinking some dire thoughts...as I sometimes do at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning. My thoughts ran to Senator John McCain, and I conceived of a blog to just totally annihilate that fuckhole. Anyway, I jotted some notes down, but by the next day I didn't feel like being so mean. Not so, today! However, I don't have my original

notes...all I can remember is that title above. But doesn't that just say it all about John McCain? If yer still a fan, just listen to any recent or future interview with the man. Look for the eye twitch. Oh yes...it's there. Left eye. It twitches every few minutes or so as he lies his motherfucking sold out ass off on Iraq over and over and over again. The TXB copyrighted phrase "mendacious tool" comes to mind, and lately the man looks like a doddering old fossil as well. Look here: no one with any sense takes Brush seriously anymore, right? So why should McCain, whose lips have been almost constantly on Brush's ass during the entire presidency, be cut any slack at all? And if you still believe that McCain is a "maverick" or a "straight talker," then you're as deluded as he is when he has his silly little daydreams about being president.

The lord jesus chuck norris christ

It is always a good time to watch idiocracy with the lord god Tim Boehme- while drinking 64 ounces of bud.

And now- http://pandagon.net/2007/04/25/chuck-norris-on-the-virginia-massacre/

Idiocracy

So recently some clown known as a critic axed whether "Borat" is the funniest comedy of all time. Short answer: negatory. Not even close. I'd put it more in the running for the unfunniest comedy, but apparently I'm in the minority. As for funniest comedy ever, one should at least consider the largely unknown "Idiocracy" a strong contender. Here are some quotes...(cue movie trailer voice guy)...in a world five hundred years in the future, when everyone's gotten a whole lot dumber:

Carl's Jr. Computer: Enjoy your EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES!

Woman at Carl's Jr.: You didn't give me no fries, I got an empty box.

Carl's Jr. Computer: Would you like another EXTRA BIG ASS FRIES?

Woman at Carl's Jr.: I said I didn't get any!

Carl's Jr. Computer: Thank you! Your account has been charged. Your balance is zero. Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase.

Woman at Carl's Jr.: What? NO!

[She hits the machine. An alarm goes off, and a sign appears on the computer saying "Carl's Jr. Frowns Upon Vandalism."]

Carl's Jr. Computer: I'm sorry you're having trouble. I'm sorry you're having trouble.

Woman at Carl's Jr.: My kids are starvin'!

Carl's Jr. Computer: [the woman kicks the computer, and it sprays a chloroform-like substance in her face, knocking her out] This should help you calm down. Please come back when you can afford to make a purchase. Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr. believes that no child should go hungry. You are an unfit mother. Your children will be placed in the custody of Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr..."Fuck You, I'm Eating."

And here's a cigarette ad of the future:

[Billboard Ad]: If you don't smoke Tarryltons... Fuck You!

Line of the Day

Stephen King on the VT killer: "Essentially there's no story here, except for a paranoid asshole who went DEFCON-1."

A Dialogue Between Michael Medved and Chris Kelly

Michael Medved: "Regardless of the background or motivation of the killer, Virginia Tech reminds us of the most important truth of our time: that terrorist monsters can't be explained, or excused, or appeased, or ignored, or negotiated into civilized behavior..."

Chris Kelly: (Wow, the most important truth of our time. Auden said it was that we must love one another or die, but what did he know? Did he ever co-host the Movie Minute?)

MM: "They must be confronted and destroyed - before they destroy more of the decent and the innocent."

CK: I thought we were talking about the shooter at Virginia Tech, Cho Seung-Hui. Who's the "they" who have to be destroyed? Schizophrenics? Koreans? English majors?

We Don't Need Another Sick Fuck Celebrity

No picture today. This is about the sick fuck, and I don't post pictures of sick fucks or even repeat their names if I can help it. Meawhile, all the assholes at NBC that absolutely could not abide Imus apparently can abide showing spree killer porn, that so called "multimedia manifesto" of the VT killer (guess it's easier to say than "sick fuck home movies"). All the other networks are showing this shit, too. You think this insane rambling from a psycho is relevant somehow to the public? Fine. Dump it all on a website called "sickfuck.com" and let all the other sick fucks download and wank to it and pretend to "learn" something about a sick fuck who only killed people because he's sick fuck and not because he's some godamn supergenius with a master plan that can educate us all.

Obviously, my response to Tim's previous post is something along the lines of the fact that america has a very long and proud history of killing people- and president dub is just the kind of guy to appreciate our history of stupidity. And about racism, america has always been the best nation for that as well. In fact, if america was full of nothing more than people who looked exactly the same- but lets say, for example, that some people are a few inches shorter than the majority- then it would be all about how short people have no reason to live. Imus was the unfortunate victim of america's belief that we can somehow reverse our tradition of racism. We do change our racist habits- but in america's case these changes can take hundreds of years to take effect. Let us consider the black man and his american history... Two hundred years ago, the black man was a victim due to our culture of buying slaves rather than actually hiring employees. One hundred years ago, we notice that maybe the brothers need to get a break. Today, the black man is a symbol of male power and respect. Imus should not have been a victim. We, as a nation, can recognize that if old guys like Imus use phases which may or may not be racist- WHO CARES IF HE IS RACIST OR NOT. If he really is racist, then Imus and his culture will be dead soon. If he is racist or not, either way, it proves nothing to fire him.

But above all else- KILL PEOPLE!

Denny's Employee of the Month...For Killing People!

I wuz wondering when someone wuz gonna get around to crunching the numbers to find out if George Bush has outpaced Saddam Hussein in the killing people department. And apparently someone has. The numbers come at the end of the piece, with links to further data, but here's the gist: Hussein capped 290,000 Iraqis, but it took him 25 years to do it. In four years, the illegal invasion of Iraq has resulted in the death of over 600,000 people. Think that number is exaggerated? Don't believe the study wuz accurate? Fine, cut the number in half and Bush still wins the killing game even though the Sodding Ham had six times as many years to kill people. Also, sick fuck tho' he wuz, Huzzy apparently channeled his sociopathic tendencies into maintaining order while Bush couldn't maintain order in a fucking Denny's restroom (he does have a way of turning a country into the equivalent of a Scram Slam Breakfast, tho').

Imus 'N the Mourning

I got nothing to day about the topic of the day. How many different ways can you say that an act of brutal violence is senseless? So, back to the topic of yesterday. I know it's sick, but I can't help wondering if Imus hasn't thought to himself, "Godamn it...if only that school shooting had happened last week, I'd still have my show!"

Anyway, the angle today is not just racism...but how one gets the title of "racist." I personally think the notion of who is a racist and who isn't is problematic, but that's how we want to slice it up in this culture: either someone IS a racist or IS NOT a racist. Of course, we don't exactly have a fool proof systematic method for evaluating people on this, do we? Funny thing on that: Chris Rock said that people come up to him and axe him if Mike Richards is a racist. He replies, "Well, he did yell 'nigger' in a crowded room. What more does he have to do? Shoot Metger Evers?" And then, of course, Mr. Rock went on to use 'nigger" in his schtick for a crowded room. He said it wuz especially weird that a cultural icon like "Kramer" hurled epithets, and then added, "It would be like Fonzie saying, 'Up your nose with a rubber hose, nigger!'"

God, that is funny shit. Anyhoo, like I said: part of this is the judgement game, part of it is the labeling game. On paper, we don't think it's okay to exclude a group from society--to heap scorn on them, make them the Other--but we do it effectively enough with gays, and we certainly feel very good about ourselves when we can root out a racist and issue our public condemnation. Those who would ostracize the Other...they must become the Other! It's brilliant. Except...a good chunk of the nation might understand on some level that just having the occasional racist thought or maybe even saying something that might be perceived as racist...that these things alone don't put a man or woman in the same category as David Duke. And when there is repentance...when there is the acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and an expression of hope that one can change, why is that not enough? How about this: maybe Mel Gibson was a racist for years and now he's not. Hey, I wuz a Christian and now I'm not. Granted, a lot of folks don't change their belief systems about God or other races, but some do. I know that Gibson apparently did the flipside of what I did at some point: he had no real grounding in a spiritual belief system, but then he became a committed Catholic. As some country boys who have been on Imus sing, "Some people change."

For TXB

In case you missed it, here is an article from PW Daily about Joel Osteen's new book.

Save the Planet

One of my friends sent me this link to sign up for a virtual march against global warming. Also, I've gotten pretty rusty with my HTML skills since my days at the late EB blog, so I am testing them here with this photo of Christopher Atkins:



Did it work?

The End of Imus

Well, I can see now that I wuz clearly wrong about this whole Don Imus controversy. As the "Daily Show" observed, the phrase "nappy-headed ho's" is obviously so offensive that every news anchor and commentator in America has said it on T.V. multiple times. The hope must be that the extreme overuse of those words in just a few days' time will rob them forever of their sting. I think we're well on our way to making that happen. Go news anchors! Also, I now see that Sharpton and Jackson were right to call for Imus' firing. It's, just, y'know... is that really enough? You fire some racist old white dude today, and there's a dozen racist old white dudes tomorrow ready to take his place. No, we need to make it so, even if broadcasters are willing to hire another racist old white dude, that all the racist old white dude shock jocks out there will be too afraid to take the job. How do we do that? Simple: we go old school Eskimo on Don Imus' ass. That's right, baby. We strip him naked and avert our eyes so that we won't throw up as he place him on a floating piece of ice somewhere in Alaska. This being Imus, we also will give him his gun with one round in the chamber in case the freezing cold gets too painful. We're not cruel. After that, this "antediluvian douche bag," as the esteemed Cardinal Egan recently called him, will be out of our lives forever...and we can forget about racisim in the U.S. and get back to killing brown people in other countries. Yay, America!

Note to Jesse Jackson: Blow Me

As usual, Bill Maher hath offered the sanest comments on the controversy of the day. When he appeared on "Imus in the Morning" yesterday, he posed this question: why is it that we have this need for people to "go away" just because they say something stupid?

I hope I've been pretty consistent on this in recent years. Perhaps I'm too forgiving, but since Mel Gibson apologized, I had not even the slightest moral qualms about seeing "Apocalypto." Since Michael Richards has apologized, I'll watch him again if he ever gets another show. Hell, even with all the crazy, just totally fucked out bullshit that hath been uttered by jerkoffs like O'Reilly and Hannity--stuff that prolly gets people killed b/c they are part of the propaganda effort which keeps us in Iraq--I don't think I've ever said that they should be fired, and I even watch them for a few minutes here and there.

I guess, ultimately, we don't really believe in free speech. And a lot of Christians in this supposedly predominately Christian nation don't believe in forgiveness in some instances (HELLO, fucking REVEREND Al Sharpton and fucking REVEREND Jesse Jackson). Well, see, maybe we could forgive Imus if he'd just said a bad thing once. Or twice. But this is a real pattern of insensitive remarks!

Total it up, assholes. If we haven't gotten to "seventy times seven" yet, then your Lord commands you to keep forgiving. Also, nice going Jesse Jackson: bashing MSNBC for not having any African American hosts for their shows. Except they do have one: Allison Stewart, host of the "The Most," which is an excellent show. Mr. Jackson demeans Stewart's hard work and intelligence by failing to even acknowledge her show...maybe because her hair is too nappy for him. Or maybe it doesn't really count unless it's an African American MALE host.

Defending Donald

No, not Donald Trump. I wouldn't defend that a-hole if he was on fire and I had to take a piss and someone axed me, "Do you defend Donald Trump for what he said about Rosie?" I would simply reply, "Hey, I gotta go find me a restroom. Fuck Trump!" Gotta give the man props, though, for going on record with the notion that Brush is the worst president ever. Maybe it's like saying the sky is blue and water's wet at this point, but I still give him props.

But no, we are here to talk about that other Don of controversy: Donald Imus. He referred to the Rutgers women's basketball team last Wed. on his show as "nappy-headed hos." And really, it's those two words, "nappy-headed," that set off a firestorm of controversy. Now, even the I-man's defenders lead off with the phrase "I'm not here to defend the [fill in adjective such as despicable, awful, horrible, etc., here] comments of Don Imus. As for his detractors--most notably Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson--there will apparently only be satisfaction if Imus is fired from his "shock jock" job.

And once again it's hilarious that these asshole news anchors use a phrase like "shock jock," but they never get around to pointing out how ironic it is that we are shocked that a shock jock said something shocking. Well, as a two year watcher of "Imus in the Morning," allow me to be the first person to go on record saying that I'm NOT shocked by what Imus said given the many outrageous statements made on his show--which, by the way, is sometimes funnier than anything on T.V. since the radio show is simulcast on MSNBC. You wanna hear something truly outrageous? Imus actually likes tools such as Joe Lieberman, and he occasionally allows Shameless Joe to carry Brush's water over the airwaves even tho' the I-man hates the war and thought it wuz a mistake from the start. That's the sort of thing that makes me wonder about old Donny boy (he does question Lieberman's stand on the war, tho'). I mean, after all: Lieberman's words get people killed. Imus' words just hurt their feelings.

Maybe I need to have someone explain to me that "nappy-headed" is apparently one of the worst phrases uttered in human history. Folks on "Imus in the Morning" refer to the I-man with words and phrases such as senile, impotent, broke-dick, leatherface, jizz-face, wrinkled old bastard, etc., and his gang routinely (and jokingly, of course) expresses the fond hope that Imus will die soon. And the show makes fun of people of all ethnic groups--including honkies--and sexual orientation while Imus sometimes performs vindictive character assassinations on those who he feels done him wrong (Larry King and Congressman Joe Barton, to name a couple). But somehow, after all this, it's the words "nappy-headed" which stirs the bankrupt American culture's bottomless outrage. This is like George Allen's "Macaca" word, which also outraged people even though they weren't really sure what it meant and prolly couldn't even define it (most faulted Allen more, though, for trying to weasel out of the notion that the word had any racial overtones three or four different times BEFORE he apologized).

Frankly, the one and only time in my life that I've heard the phrase "nappy head" was from Michelle Tapp. And I don't even remember why she said it, but I'm fairly certain that it wasn't used to refer to a black person. She may have even been commenting on MY hair. At any rate, Imus is just all right with me, and I'm sure he has done more for the world through his charity work than I ever will--and after his two week suspension from the airwaves, my heart is warmed by the notion that his ratings will prolly be higher than ever. Shocking!

The Lesser of Two Evils...Right? ... Right?

Jerry and Billy go at it. I mean, they yell at each other, and stuff.

Jenn and Mel's Black Armbands

Alas, the Lady Gibblers have lost their pine-ee (one who is pined over). Seems CNN is replacing Miles O'Brien and Soledad O'Brien for the morning show. Alas.

Here's, uh, just a cool drawing of The Flash. Whatever happened to him?

Boyfrieeend in the bushes

Wow. Check out Cheney in the shrubbery.

WWJOD?

What WOULD Joel Osteen do...if he came across a couple going at it in the cab of some big rig at six in the morning (six in the morning)? Gerry hath axed a provocative question. But at first I misinterpreted. I thought ye said "J-Lo," as in "Jenny from the Block"...as in Jennifer Lopez. So, of course, I totally accepted and even fantasized about the notion that Ms. Lopez would do some gringo trucker for free crystal meth some early morning after her inevitable decline in the near future. As for J.O...there shall be no such decline for him, although after Ted Haggard you do have to suspect that every single evangelical preacher in the world must secretly be gay. Or perhaps you don't. But whether he be gay or no (and I'm sure he'd say no), my boy J.O. don't preach the hate, and although he might privately believe that homosexuality is a sin, I've never heard him mention it in a sermon. He stays positive. So, prolly, after the couple in the truck got done going at it, J.O. would give them a big, shit-eating (but lovable) smile, and invite him to his football stadium-sized church. Cuz if any evangelical, gelled-mullet preacher out there could ever grasp the concept of being loving towards folks even if you don't agree with their lifestyle choices...it would be the mighty Joel Osteen and whatever brand of teeth-whitening paste he currently uses.

However, if I implied that J.O. likes to cuss during his sermons, then I do repent me. He does end all his sermons with the phrase, "Do you receive it today? I know you do." But so far he has never added, "I know you do, motherfuckers!" He might want to try that on a day where half of the football stadium-sized church has fallen asleep. Of course, one does look forward to the day when the cursing preacher becomes a popular cultural icon, but for now most clergy keep their obscenities confined to their deeds and not their words. I hear, in fact, that Ted Haggard never crossed that particular line: when he had the male prostitute fuck him in the ass, or when he fucked the male prostitute in the ass, or when they sucked each other's dicks or whatever, Rev. Haggard always insisted upon using words like, "fanny," "fornicate," "oral pleasure," etc., and never words like, "fuck," "ass," blowjob," etc. Ultimately, it wuz that resistance to naughty words that provided Teddy with the moral fortitude to go to gay rehab and rededicate his life to the Lawd. Glory, Hallelujah!

Living in the Limelight...the universal dream

Rush has announced a tour this summer and fall:

Camden, NJ 7/6/07 for our new friend Carroll Gardens, if he is a Rush fan

Holmdel, NJ 7/8/07 for Carroll

Dallas 8/11/07 for Rick

San Antonio 8/12/07 for Rick

Houston 8/14/07 for Rick

St. Louis - 8/24/07 for everyone else in Gibblerland

Chicago- 9/8/07 for me

Rush.com for more info

No kidding here- this morning- while I waited for my carpool buddy to show up at the park-and-ride parking lot- these two old people decided to meet at the lot- at 6AM- to "go at it" in a full size truck (in the cab- not the bed of the truck.) So my question was- what would J.O. do in this situation...

"Do you receive it today? I know you do, motherfucker!"

Also, for Ben or anyone else who doesn't understand why Osteen is so awesome, let me be the first gibbler to cite himself from a previous blog entry, waxing poetic on J.O.'s genius:

"He totally kicks the shit out of every other preacher in America."

The Triumphant Return of Osteen's Mullet!

Now that a badass blogger like Ben Butler--AKA Carroll Gardens--has come on board, shit is gonna get settled right quick. But even a badass blogger like Ben Butler has to figure things out--get the lay of the land, so to speak--before he can really make his mark. One thing Ben does not know about me, for example, and may not even be able to comprehend...is my growing fascination with Joel Osteen. Few, indeed, could have predicted such a fascination. Sure, those who know me from my pre-Minnesota years are aware that I wuz once ensconced in the weird circles of conservative Christianity for a time. But, in the long run of 38 years during which I have limped along and not often run, my flirtation with the Southern Baptists and the Assemblies of God for three or four years shall ultimately be judged as Brush has assured us the, ahem, "difficulties" in Iraq will be judged: as a comma. Why, unlike Brush, I could even fit that comma into a sentence: "TXB briefly flirted with the Southern Baptists and the AoG for a brief period that could be likened to a comma, but ultimately he turned back to a kind of nonjudgmental, dispassionate, yet sometimes deeply spiritual belief system not unlike the Buyssesque Lutheran faith on which he had been raised. Except for the fact that he didn't believe anything the Lutherans said, either." But Joel Osteen and his mullet and his glittery, football stadium-sized church--all of which appear on my T.V. screen for a half hour on the weekends--have begun to woo me back to at least some bedrock belief system in the goodness of God and life. Can this be sustained? Who knows? Mullets must be trimmed, and sometimes it's hard to pack a football stadium-sized church when half the citizenry is undoubtedly beating off to those commercials for "Girls Gone Wild" videos (also to be found on your cable T.V. on the weekends...or any time after 10:00 on weeknights, till six in the morning). And sometimes TXB stubs his toe and screams out, "Fuck you, God!!!" But this too shall pass...

Note to Katie Couric: Blow Me

Did anyone catch Katie Couric's lameass interview with John and Elizabeth Edwards for last week's "60 Minutes"? I'm not gonna link to that bullshit, but I'm sure the interview is floating around on U-toob or wherever. First, let's establish a little context: Katie Couric is a distant third in the evening news race. I'm not sure if she's even bringing in Bob Schieffer numbers anymore, and God knows she must be making roughly 13,000 times what B.S. made. Somehow, the freaky makeover that must have involved botoxing the shit out of K.C.'s face--and the fact that she did a complete joke of a morning show for years--somehow, that didn't sit well with the viewers. So what's a gal to do to win the crowd over? I know: beat up on a cancer victim and her husband with a round of repetitious, highly personal, and at times downright offensive questions that came straight out of a transcript of Rush Limbaugh's insane musings on the radio. But Katie, don't mention that your questions came from Rush or Glenn Beck or the other right wing nuts who would have trumpeted the bravery of any Republican candidate for Prez if he decided to press on with his bid even tho' his wife had terminal cancer. Nay, Your Perkiness--just keep going with that high school journalism line of "Some people say..." And don't mention, certainly, that you never quit your inane, ridiculous, utterly worthless and in no way socially redeeming (but highly lucrative) job of caffeinated morning host while your husband was dying from cancer. Cuz, y'know, then you might come off as a hypocrite and totally offend the dozen or so T.V. viewers who feel that the evening news just isn't worth their time if it doesn't offer a little leg action. Oh, and Katie: Bob Schieffer is sitting by his phone again these days, baby. FYI.

Dan Ho and I would always spend the evening at Drury Inns- when he would visit me in the St. Louis or Cape Girardeau area. These encounters with Dan Ho at the Drury Inns were not for a sexual purpose- since Dan and I agree that all forms of sexual desire are queer. We liked to kill everybody in the hotel and then burn the place down. Don Ho would also bring his entire family. There was one time when Dan also brought Mike Stevens. He thought we were boring. Dan and I decided to never go to another Drury Inn after I tried to kill him for snoring too loud.