Thursday, February 25, 2010

The Image Virus Is Spreading

Check out these pics of my office collage, courtesty of pas2iche...

Kill Tilly, Volume I

Die, you fucking piece of shit serial killer whale! This will not stand. This aggression will not stand. You do not kill our hot chicks!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Why did I vote for that fucking pussy?

Huffpo nails the Big O to the flo':

It's time for something bold. Unfortunately, we've now seen enough of President Obama to know that boldness isn't exactly his forte. Bold rhetoric at times, sure, but not bold action. His natural caution and incremental approach would be well-suited to many times--but this is not one of them. The jobs crisis is simply too large and the suffering too great. Obama needs to put aside the clichés about changing how Washington works and change the way he works.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Crazy About The Crazies

Sheriff Bullock's gonna have to kill-haul him some zombiefied folk! Timmy Olyphant is also playing a sheriff in sum new upcoming F/X show called Justified. Some dudes just look like sheriffs, I guess. Dudes who can pull off the 'stache, presumably. I had a mustache once and it made me look like a cop, too...but more like the burned out homicide detective with a bum knee who has been demoted to desk duty.

And that weirdly particular description makes me think of one I thought up last night, bowling against this team with sum young punk who seemed like a total douchebag. Here's what I came up with: He walked with the swagger of a total douchebag who somehow had ended up with a girlfriend who was much hotter than he deserved.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Fuck the Mayer-Haters!

America is such a bunch of wailing pussies. John Mayer sez some awesomely crazy shit in a Playboy interview, and we've all gotta act like he wuz Moses taking a shit on the 10 Commandments? Dude who sez shit this funny is aces in the Book O' TXB:

"When I get married that's gonna be my vows, 'Do you, John Mayer, take this woman to have and to hold, to wear her ass like headgear?' Yes, I do --you're the one whose ass I wanna wear like a hat for the rest of my life."

"I want to show her I’m not like every other guy. Because I hate other men. When I’m fucking you, I’m trying to fuck every man who’s ever fucked you, but in his ass, so you’ll say 'No one’s ever done that to me in bed.'”

Even a Loony Broken Atomic Clock is Right Twice Every Millennium

Lord knows I loathe me some Glenn Beck. But when you're the big loon on the street corner, and another, loonier loon comes looming, you look downright normal.
So, Beck had on his radio show a woman running for governor of Tejas. He asks her in this clip if she thinks the government had a role in causing 9-11. Uh, she ain't sure!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

walmart & taxes

2 miles south of house springs
gerry entered eagle tax services
gave them the necessary forms
drank some shitty coffee
read an old entertainment weekly
& slapped the secretary on the ass

he napped and dreamt of pudding
& wuz woken by a tax preparer
to find out that uncle sam
had taken $5,000 too much
from his walmart paychecks--
& he'd be getting a fat rebate

after paying the secretary 50 bucks
for a celebratory parking lot blowjob
gerry reentered eagle tax services
2 miles south of house springs
& said "you guys fucking rock!
h&r block sucks cock!"

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Eagle Tax Service

If you want to pay half as much to get your taxes done (when compared with H and R and they blow!) call 636-375-3800. Two miles south of House Springs.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Don't Kill the Messenger

The bit below is from Jonah Goldberg. Prolly not someone anybody on this blog agrees with when it comes to politics. But I saw this, and figured TXB, if no one else, might have an opinion on Goldberg's opinion.

OK, sometimes I troll the conservative blogs, too. So shoot me.

Worst House Ever [Jonah Goldberg]

I thought last night's House was not only bad, but also a terrible sign. Fans of the show have long noted that the title of the series is House M.D., not Cuddy, Hospital Administrator. And yet last night we were treated to a thoroughly dull "day in the life" story of a bring-home-the-bacon-fry-it-up-in-the-pan supermom. The real problem here isn't that it was a bad episode, it's that it suggests the ensemble actors want their chance to shine. I certainly understand the temptation. But it is one that should generally be resisted. This sort of thing ruined M*A*S*H. In the later seasons, everyone would get a turn as the star of a specific episode as if there was a huge demand for more Father Mulcahy storylines. (If they listened to me, they would have made him a kickboxer!). It's also one of the things that made the later seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation so sucky.

Producer: "Gates McFadden wants to showcase her talents."

Writer: "Okay let's make Dr. Beverly Crusher the host of a conference on solar science that'll be fascinatingzzzzzzzzzzzzz," splunk head smashes the keyboard.

Getting back to House, I have no problem with giving the supporting actors more room to grow. But TV shows do not exist for the benefit of the actors. They exist for the benfit of me — and, yes, other viewers too. If they're going to focus on what makes Cuddy tick, they could at least have her explain why she dresses like she works for a super-classy escort service.

Monday, February 08, 2010

pas2iche ranks 'em, too

top 5 films of 2010:
1) inglourious basterds -- i'm all about some nazi killin and revisionist history.
2) the hurt locker -- coulda been #1 if they'd given me more guy pearce. and ralph fiennes. and a money shot.
3) food, inc. -- best doc of the year, not only because it exposes the big farms as the devils they are but also because it has some really sweet graphics.
4) avatar -- we've never seen cinematic spectacle like this before, but, again, i wanted a (blue) money shot.
5) anvil: the story of anvil -- these guys rock out, no doubt, but they're really good at giving hugs, too.

bottom 5 films of 2010:
1) observe and report -- just to spite txb, more than anything. oh, and the movie just plain blows.
2) angels and demons -- not even tom hanks's hair can save this one.
3) district 9 -- great work, blomkamp! now the whole world knows exactly what a racist movie looks like.
4) g.i. joe -- amazingly, i actually wanted /less/ than the 90 seconds of dialogue.
5) the taking of pelham 123 -- travolta is so bad, he's, well, bad. denzel's glasses were neat, though.

Edge of Darkness: SPOILER ALERT

As the sign sez, you have only yourself to blame if you don't want to be spoiled and you persist in reading this. Of course, it's not like Edge of Darkness is a great movie that you need to be worried about having spoiled for you. It's like, if someone spoiled an episode of Grey's Anatomy or something for you. At first you'd be pissed, but then you'd go, "Ah, fuck it. It's just Grey's Anatomy...a shitty show I that I have no business watching anyway."

But the movie does have two awesome things. First, it has aging Mel Gibson. Yes, this is Mel Gibson starting to look like Lance Henriksen. Lots of lines on that face, boy. The man has seen some pain...

I will go to my grave saying this: dudes with roadmaps of wrinkles on their faces are fucking cool. Much more awesome, tho', is how Edge of Darkness ends: (and here comes the spoiler)...with Ray Winstone totally blowing a U.S. Senator's shit away. The execution is even preceded by that absurd line: "I am a United States senator!" As if that's a reason to stop from pulling the trigger instead of extra incentive to pull it. And Winstone's deadpan response is perfect: "By what standard?" (still, my line would have been better: "You say that like it's a reason for me not to kill you...instead of an incentive." KABOOM!).

More movies should end with the execution of politicians, and maybe include such executions in the middle and at the beginning, too. Hell, throw some deleted scenes of politicians being executed in the credits as well. It would just make us all feel better.

Friday, February 05, 2010

walmart hodown

one day dan ho came to town

and had hisself a walmart hodown

and gerry wore a big fat frown

cuz mister ho wore a see-thru nightgown

& no one wanted deli meats of renown

when grade-A dan ho beef wuz aroun'

& gerry, not wanting to play the clown,

threw ho into the floormart...facedown

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

walmart at 3:00 a.m.

at 3:00 a.m. gerry wakes & drives
to walmart, stands on the parking lot
under flouescent blessing from JAYzus
while inside men and women unload
shit to be downloaded to feebs later
& gerry smokes cigars on the lot
thinks "this is as close to heaven
as anyone's ever been."