The Grand Old Perverts

C-SPAN can be intellectual and occasionally interesting, but when they open the barn doors wide for their morning call-in show, you really do get every dumbfuck in America dialing them up. Even people with semi-intelligent views drone on and on AND FUCKING ON before getting to their main point or (and this is really rare) a coherent question to axe the featured guest. Case in point: hillbilly calls in today and wants to talk about Iowa Republican senator Larry "I Did Not Have Sex With That Man...in the Toilet Stall" Craig, but before we get to the scintillating hillbilly political commentary, we gotta do the Hee Haw homo humor: "Mebee the REEpublicans shud change they's name to 'The Gay Old Party' or 'The Grand Old PURverts.'" Yuck yuck yuck. Unbelievably, after equating homosexuality with perversion, hillbilly says that Craig's being gay don't matter--it's the hypocrisy that's the problem! This kinda hypocrisy pisses off conservatives so much more, apparently, than the GOP hypocrisy of "supporting the troops" by getting them blown up for nothing and cutting their benefits. Anyway, I'm acting like a C-SPAN caller my own damn self now...delivering a long preamble before getting to the point. So here's the fucking point: it's clear to me now that the new Republican way to give homosexuals a bad name is to act like total shitheads for years and years...before they themselves are exposed as gay!!!! And to totally queer the deal for the queers, these brave family values GOPers make sure they're caught in creepy fucked up gay sex with underage pages or in bathroom stalls. Who knew they would go this far to combat what they call "the homosexual agenda"? It shows a level of commitment that I doubt even Al Qaeda would be able to muster. Unfortunately, Louisiana senator David Vitter went off script and had sex with female prostitutes instead of male ones, thus making heteros look bad, too. Actually, that's prolly the larger social conservative agenda: make all sex seem perverse, tell people just to abstain entirely from these base urges, so that we can pour all our rage and jizz into the bombs that will inevitably fall on Iran. Yay, Republicans!!!

Line of the Day

Tim: "I rented this movie called Slow Burn. Haven't watched it yet."
Gary: "Yeah? Who's in it?"
Tim: "Well, it looks like the main guy is Ray Liotta."
Gary: "Hmm..."
Tim: "Plus there's LL Cool J..."
Gary: "Oh, shit."

Guest Blogger Bill Maher!

For months, I've been begging my old college roommate, Bill Maher, to get bloggy wit it for the gibblers. Finally, after my private investigator got some incriminating picks of Maher doing blow off a donkey's ass, he suddenly realized how fun it can be to blog! Take it away, Billy-boy...


If you were surprised that the Chinese don't care about toy safety, then the child who needs protecting is you. Over the last couple of months, American consumers have been learning a shocking lesson about supply and demand: if you demand products that don't cost anything, people will make them out of poison, mud and shit. Now, since April, approximately 17 million toys in the United States, all of them made in China, have been recalled. Which is amazing considering that no one in the Department of Justice can recall a thing. I was devastated when Mattel recalled almost everything in my Barbie Dream Closet. Although I had suspected something when Ken discovered a lump on his testicle. Until recently, I never even worried about being harmed by the Chinese. Unless they were in the left-hand turn lane. I kid. But then we found out that their dog food was deadly and that they were making toothpaste out of antifreeze, and that the Number 62A at the Szechuan Palace is Beef with Bronchitis. They're the Chinese. They don't care if your precious little Britney sucks a little lead. Because in China, their kids aren't playing with the toys. They're the ones in the factory all day making them.

The Brush Legacy

"Y'all are exactly one cunt hair away
from getting me so riled up that I'm
gonna bomb Iran just for spite!"
So Fredo has been whacked. And once again we get indignant Brush: "He wuz a good man, crushed by evildoery Democrats who jest hate wetbacks" or somesuch bullshit. This is the same fuckface who put on his Befuddled Brush mask a couple of weeks before, saying, "What, fire 'Berto? Why whud I wanna fire 'Berto? Everyone in the world sez he is doing a heckuva job for a gay Mexican A.G., and no one's ever said one bad thing about him!" Right, right...it's all us, the political hatchet men looking to take down decent, honorable, not-at-all-toolish public servants. It's just so pathetically funny to me how Brush thinks he's doing his cronies a favor by keeping them on the job even though they've curdled and exploded in the refrigerator of politics after staying months or years past their expiration dates. It may very well be that, in the end, these assholes have to finally insist that Brush accept their resignations--not at all to help him save face, but because they realize at long last that they have been stapled and duct taped to a rotting corpse for the last three years. So when, one wonders, will Brush get over his fake indignation and realize what a shithell he iz and how his fuckupedness is soiling the Brush name like so much underwear worn by people who have been tortured on his watch? Perhaps it's a bit much to axe for Brush to resign just so Daddy won't sob himself to sleep anymore, or so his dumbass daughters won't have to be so embarrassed all the time. But some fools out there think Jeb Brush might be a decent politician again some day if the walking dicksore that is his brother could just go off and crawl under a porch somewhere and die. Or, y'know, play golf like a fuckhead forever. Brush really is just one of those rich assholes who should only ever play golf, so that the worst he can do is shank balls that hit rich old fucks in the head and knock them in a coma. The world could do with a few less rich old fucks, so Brush would finally be doing some good. But perhaps it's best this way...that Brush goes on to taint the Brush name so completely that no one named Brush will ever again be considered for any important job in America. And the whole useless Brush clan can move to Saudi Arabia and just play golf.

Bedtime for Gonzo (For Real, This Time!)

Left: Former A.G. Alberto Gonzalez, profile in toolishness.

Well, another fuckup has been added to the Murder's Row of fuckups who have resigned in disgrace from the Brush administration. Domo arigato, Roboto Gonzalez ("Danger! Warning, Will Robinson!!! My programming to slavishly obey everything Brush commands has totally fucked me in the robot ass!! Warning! Any robot-ass-plastic surgeons in the house? Who does a gay Mexican Attorney General have to blow to get his reamed out robot ass repaired?"). Yes, thank you, Gonzo...thank you for finally doing what lesser, saner, less toolish men would have done six months ago. You bravely plunged the sword through your heart before a Cheney hitman wrapped piano wire around your throat. I personally will always remember you as the total fuckup that somehow made John Ashcroft look good. Sayonara, motherfucker. You're like the headless guy in the back of the car in Pulp Fiction that needs to me discarded. As Mr. Wolf sez, you're "no one who'll be missed."

Album of the Year

The album of the year is being declared early by me and anyone who has listened to the Fratellis' Costello Music, which just totally blows the doors off of anything else that even could be conceived of as the album of the year for 2007. In fact, CM puts to shame nearly every album of the year there has ever been throughout the history of albums and years. Every godamn song on this cd spanks yer ass until you are begging for it to please lay off yer ass for a while. But it won't. So yer ass is basically a bloody mess by the time track 13 ends, and now you have to see an ass plastic surgeon or something. Also, this is the only album that I can recall that suggests the possibility that gangbangs can just be fun rather than savage or sinful. Luckily, though, for family friendly listeners, the word "gangbangs" is never mentioned. In fact, I believe there's only one bad word on the whole disc. It comes early in the first song ("Henrietta"--maybe also the best song), when the Fratlellis refer to themselves jovially as "these three miserable cunts." Apparently, the boyz wanna get with some chick named Henrietta, so they make a few direct and helpful suggestions as to how the relationship might progress:

"Clean out the bank
Bump off yer daddy
You can come live with us
Amongst the has-beens and the addicts"

And those, my friends, are the best lyrics on an album that hath only one flaw: most of the other lyrics aren't that memorable. In fact, unless you read the lyric sheet, you prolly won't understand most of what the hell lead singer Jon Fratelli is going on about, cuz the pace is generally frantic and crack-addicted. But fuck it--the tunes are just so kick-ass jam packed with energy and aural joy that you won't care much what they mean. Oh, and this is bar none the best album ever if yer a miserable cunt like me who walks an hour a day and needs some high octane shit to keep a body with a badly damaged ass lurching around the track...

Is it just TXB?

This will be a new feature on the blog. Instead of axing ourselves, "Is it just me?" we can now address the much more profound and relevant question, "Is it just TXB?" So here's the first installment: Is it just TXB, or have shoelaces gotten longer over the years? I now have to triple knot my shoelaces to keep from tripping over them. What up wit that? Also, is it just TXB, or is Brush just a total asshat?

Just For Openers...

The thing that clinches any TV show for me is the opening credits, particularly the music. When I was just a little boy, I used to stand in front of a three way mirror so I could pretend I was a member of the cast of my all time favorite show.

Click here to view what is, arguably, the best opening credits sequence of all time.

I don't particularly care for the openers of any of the shows that are on today. I want something rousing and epic-like.

I should also note that I am envious of anyone who can keep up with the good stuff that's on today, especially on premium cable, which I no longer have. I miss Entourage. Thatnk God Huff was cancelled, or I'd be missing that too. I still catch the watered down Sopranos on USA or TNT or whatever it is. I also force myself to be very selective with what I keep watching because if I didn't I'd never leave the boob tube except to blog.

The Truth Is In His Pants

In the last days of enjoying my now deceased awesome cable package, I watched the pilot to David Duchovony's new show for Showtime, called (kinda lamely) "Californication." It wuz a'ight, but the recap of it on Television Without Pity wuz totally fucking aweseome. Read and laugh.

Losing (some of) My Religion

Below:

David Milch channels spiritual mumbo
jumbo for his now cancelled HBO series
"John from Cincinnati"


If I have any religion these days, it's as a proud partaker of the pop cult(ure). What, you have interesting shit to do on a Friday night involving a Tai hooker and blow and Ken Baremore? Fuck you--I've got new eps. of "Monk" and "Psyche"! But lately it seems that T.V.--the real opiate of the masses--has diminished the returns for all the time I'm putting in. I watched damn near a dozen shows this summer--including high quality shit on HBO--and not much of it were memorable. Even a whacky, out there, experimental-to-a-fault-show like "John from Cincinnati" by former "Deadwood" god David Milch didn't add up to much (if you're big on coherence, that is). I did like this exchange, though:


Ex-Cop: "My bird told me to come see you."


Ex-Drug Dealer: "If you're planning on me asking you what you mean, plan on dropping over dead before that happens."


Ex-Cop: "My bird, Zippy, conveyed to me, despite our obvious dissimilarities, we should become friends."

Ex-Drug Dealer: "He used the word 'dissimilarities'?"


Hilarious shit, at least to me, but is it worth watching a whole hour of so-so T.V. for one pearl of funny dialogue? Perhaps...if Ken ran off with your Tai hooker and yer all out of blow. Anyway...since my cable company wasn't offering any great new deals now that my previous two year kick-ass contract is up, I'm downsizing to a fifteen dollar cable package. Yes, you heard right: with Charter, you can get all the major networks and maybe three or four other decent channels and about fifteen other crappy channels for a mere fifteen and change a month. It's seventy or eighty channels less than I had before, but don't worry about ol' TXB: Fall Season will soon be upon us, and I have a feeling that the new "Bionic Woman" is gonna kick ten kinds of ass! (plus I still gots the USA Network, so I'll still have "Monk" and "Psyche" on Friday nights).

Brenda Leigh Obvious

Another predictable episode of "The Closer" this past week. Did anyone NOT know that Cabana Boy (as I call that beefy dock worker) wuz the killer within ten seconds of him appearing on the screen? Geez...either menopause is really fucking up BLJ's closer-radar, or...she walked into the killer's den in the fourth act because the writers forgot to clean out their crack pipes.

I long for the grunge-old days...

Love this story from Crooks and Liars. I'm starting to think that corporate sponsorships are what is wrong with America! (Tongue firmly planted in cheek...)

Rudolph Giuliani and the Ferret Issue

So it has been too long since we bashed on those republicans... do we know why rudy hates ferrets- Rick?

http://irregulartimes.com/index.php/archives/2007/07/15/ferrets-giuliani/

This Week In Literature

Southeast Missouri State University recently acquired a rare Faulkner manuscript that shows his sweet and funny side. Click here for the story.

I hope everything is all right for those of you with Minnesota connections.