Potluck Upchuck

After reading an essay called "Taking Potluck," my Basic Writing students thought it would be fun to have a potluck in class. Here's what ended up being on the menu (I brought Diet Coke and Sprite):

- two kinds of Doritos
- two bags of cheese puffs
- two kinds of Pringles
- one bag of Funions
- jello packs
- one small box of raisins (okay, that wuz me--I wuz never gonna eat it)
- a box of Poptarts
- two boxes of fruit roll-ups

Aw yeah...all yer basic food groups represented there. Apparently, one guy in the class wuz bringing shrimp to class, but he got in a fender-bender on the way to school. Yes, when you look at that list above, you really do have to say to yourself, "If only there wuz some shirmp to go with it..."

Lines of the Day

Along with a couple of my students, I came up with the following line for a short story or movie (although it will prolly find a home only on cable access):

"The only thing bigger than his heart was his enlarged prostate."

Or you could flip it and say, "The only thing bigger than his enlarged prostate was his heart. Which was also enlarged. Seriously, he needed to have operations on both his heart and his prostate right away" (assuming, of course, that they do operations for such conditions).

Apparently you can use that "The only thing bigger" setup with lots of different things and it's funny. Another student came up with this:

"The only thing bigger than his heart was his gambling addiction."

Of course, you could allude to Kenny B. for a gibbler audience:

"The only thing bigger than his heart was his addiction to Tai hookers."

And speaking of hookers, here's the best line I've heard so far from a new T.V. pilot. Sam's dad says that he and his friend "Sock" should go out and celebrate Sam's 21st B-day, and...

Sock: "I like the way you're thinking, Dad. Let's all get in a car, score some smack, and kill a hooker in Vegas!"

Stop Laughing Like a Horse, You Ridiculous Freak!

I know this is the pot calling the kettle a laughing fool, but I'm not running for office. And if I wuz, I'd find a way to control my laughter so that it didn't break glass and frighten small children. Not so with freakshow Hillary.

Mike Stevens might join us for homecoming if someone can figure out how to make this work-

http://www.c64.com/?type=1&id=327

Also, I must add that jiffy lube blows.

The General Has, In Point of Fact, Betrayed Us

For years, I've thought about those assholes who prolly thought of someone like yers trooly as a traitor during the run up to the Iraq war. I only attended one demonstration against the war, but most of the responses we got from motorists driving by in Marshall, MN, wuz negative, and some of it wuz of the "you're on the side of the terrorists" variety. And of course all the right wing pundit freaks have continued that "surrender monkey/traitor" shit right thru 2007, even though, in poll after poll, most of the country now thinks it would be prudent to cut and run from the insanity of Brush and his Iraq adventure. But you can imagine how all those chickenshit chickenhawks would do in a war themselves, since they whine like pussies when a total flak for Brush--General David Petraeus--gets labelled "General Betray Us" by MoveOn. org. My oh my...for all the outcry on Fox News and such, you'd think someone had called Mother Teresa a dirty, dirty whore. Well, I've never been one to throw the term "traitor" around too loosely or question the patriotism of others (mostly b/c I don't give a shit whether you're patriotic or not). But I will say this: if you are lying to the American people to continue the war, then you are betraying them. And sonny boy, that's what fuckhole Petraeus is doing and has done. That's what Brush is ALWAYS doing. That's what Cheney has done and will do if he ever crawls out of his hole again. That's what Rumsfeld did. That's what Rove did. That's what Tony Snow did on a daily basis...and got paid handsomely for it (not handsomely enough for T.S., tho', who will prolly now lie for huge piles of money at exclusive speaking engagements). All these assholes lied, lied, and lied some more. And yes, they betrayed the trust of the American people. So suck it up, you right wing fucks--b/c you've got more important worries than whether or not the honor of one man in the military has been questioned. If you have a conscience at all, you should be concerned more about the fact that you, too--by repeating the lies of more powerful liars--have betrayed the American people.

You Too Can Look Like TXB!!!

So I've got this very chatty student in one of my classes who sez one of two things to me each day in the minutes before class begins: A. I REALLY REALLY look like some friend of hers OR B. Her roommates keep stealing her food! (my saloosh: "Buy them some toothpaste from China and they'll be dead by the end of the week"). But conversation point A. doth remind me that I've heard this sorta thing at least half a dozen times over the years: I'm the spitting image of so-and-so. In fact, over the summer this dude said I looked EXACTLY like his best friend. Oh, and FYI: the best friend died recently. The guy seemed worried about me because of the physical similarities, and added, almost tearfully, "Take care of yourself." Then there wuz the time on the mini-golf course when I ran into the alternate universe TXB, who wuz playing golf with his twin sons. No shit...dude looked EXACTLY like me. But until Danny Ho's post, I always chalked these resemblances up to something Kevin Smith once said: "I guess if you're really fat, wear glasses, and have a beard...it's not too hard to look like me." But lo! Dan Ho hath proved me and Kevin Smith wrong. There is now a beardless TXB running around out there with a friggin' military career! What's next...the TXB who still watches "Grey's Anatomy"? The TXB who hates Chinese food?! The totally batshit insane TXB who still believes in the St. Louis Rams? The TXB--gasp!--who is totally gay for Rudy Giuliani?! Say it ain't so, Dan Ho! Oh, and the drawing above? Yeah...not a drawing of me, but some dude who is apparently the TXB who broke into comics (damn it--I actually tried to do that!).

In the Navy

A rare look at a much younger Ensign Timothy Boehme right after he graduated the U.S. Naval Academy many, many years ago. During his career as a Navy officer, the now Captain Boehme was an English instructor at the U.S. Naval Academy, an F/A-18 pilot with combat flight experience over Iraq and Afghanistan, and with his vast knowledge of Computer Science, was instrumental in starting the Gibblers-great writers of electronic mail communications.

Recently, he was selected to command the USS George H.W. Bush, the nation's newest

aircraft carrier. Way to go, Captain Boehme on your many accomplishments !!!!!

A phrase even sleeping spiders could not make up...

Perhaps the student who wrote this just cranked up the ol' Random Word Generator:

"Turn the ding dong shaped knob until it points to heavy cycle."

"It's Petraeus, Bitch!"

I dunno, Dan-o...Brit-Brit looked pretty good to me. She may no longer be as rail-thin as those underage chicks you buy alcohol for at SEMO homecomings, but still. And, in any case, whenever there is some long-anticipated live performance, it's inevitable that the critics will draw knives. Like with Brush stooge, General David Petraeus...there wuz no way he could win with his presentation to Congress, yesterday (especially since he had to lie thru his teeth). And say what ye will about Britney at the VMAs...she was much hotter than General David Petraeus.

Go Rams!

Thoughtful question of the day: do the Rams just totally suck balls or are they merely horrible?

Line of the Day

No longer in possession of Showtime or other premium channels, I ain't watching the new David Duchovony show, "Californication." But the recaps at televisionwithoutpity.com still bring the funny each week:

Hank, walking with Meredith, complains about "fascist architecture," then he asks what they're doing there. Meredith says they're mingling. He lights up a cigarette, which is like taking your dick out in public in California. I bet he's done that, too.